Class ‘A’ drugs good for your eyesight claims new, obviously made-up research

Class ‘A’ drugs such as heroin, crack cocaine and LSD  are amongst a number of substances that could be good for your eyesight, according to new, obviously made-up research published yesterday.

It is feared that the controversial research, which follows the similarly suspicious news earlier this week that a pint of beer a day could be good for your bones, could lead to a sharp rise in the number of habitual drug users searching for 20:20 vision.

Dr. Jacob Russell, who oversaw the research an unnamed University refuted allegations that the results of his research were completely fabricated:

Will help you see in the dark

“We tested more than 100 students, using a variety of different class ‘A’ narcotics students, all of whom were were provided with a large stash of drugs of varying degrees and strengths, from vitamin pills through to Ecstasy tabs, with the stated objective of ’seeing what would happen’.

“Some of them definitely reported better eyesight, although we can’t discount the possibility that they came back wearing contact lenses so that they could feed their habit and take part in more ‘testing’.  They also failed all of their exams and were checked into rehab, but that’s a separate issue.  It’s just like the old adage about carrots helping you to see in the dark.  Except of course, that in this case, it’s not a carrot, it’s a crack pipe.”

Paula Clarke, 20, was one of the students to take part in the research and was enthusiastic about the results.

“Before taking part in the study I suffered from severe short-sightedness, but now I barely need glasses at all, as I spend my days staring into the middle distance, trying desperately to concentrate and remember my own name.  What was the question again?”

Europe Against Drugs (EAD) spokesperson Emily Stewart said: “Usually, we’d be making a bit of a scene about how irresponsible it is for a leading University to publish these findings in the public domain.  But to be honest, we don’t really give much of a crap about this.

“Next week there’ll probably be another made-up piece of research published which ‘demonstrates’ the extent to which bananas can be used for time-travel.  We’re treating this with a similar amount of contempt, and so should you.”

Facebook to keep everyone confused with bi-weekly design change

This will all be written in Chinese next week

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has unveiled new plans to rotate the look and feel of his social networking site “on a bi-weekly basis”.

Speaking to the media last night, Zuckerberg explained that recent changes to Facebook’s design had not been “confusing enough” and emphasised that he wanted to do everything in his power to ensure that users didn’t have the first clue what belonged where when logging on.

“I’m very conscious of the fact that this announcement comes in the same week that we changed Facebook’s design for what feels like the seventh time in two years,” said Zuckerberg, “although let’s be honest, it’s probably been more than that, hasn’t it?”

“However, upon reviewing user feedback, it seems that this time there has been a sharp drop in the number of people asking how they upload pictures or change their status. It appears that people have started to get used to navigating their way around a newly redesigned Facebook landing page, and we simply can’t have that.  I’m just trying to keep everyone on their toes.”

In line with Zuckerberg’s wishes, Facebook will begin rotating the design of everyone’s profiles from next week in order to maximise confusion.  “I’ve got a number of extremely good ideas as to how we can make Facebook as inconvenient as possible for everyone,” said lead designer Jerry Stanton.

“They include making your status appear in bright red flashing letters which cover your screen and are impossible to get rid of, and posing a series of sophisticated mathematical problems to replace your login password. Watch this space, it’s very exciting.”

Facebook user Karen Jones, 26, agreed to comment on the issue, but could barely be understood above the anguished noise of her own tears.

“Why can’t those b*stards just leave Facebook alone?” she cried.  “All I wanted was a social networking site where I could interact with people I know, post up photographs and – if I feel like it – waste my money on ridiculous farm-based applications. MARK ZUCKERBERG, WHY ARE YOU MESSING WITH MY HEAD?”

“Naked Fridays to change the way we approach our work,” says government

Today sees the launch of a controversial new initiative aimed at restoring flagging morale in offices hit by redundancies, which the government says will “change the way we approach our work.”

Naked Fridays is the first of a series of new compulsory measures brought introduced to tackle the effects of the recession in the workplace, and makes it mandatory for all workers to work at least one Friday in the calendar month without their clothes on in an office environment.

Steve Parker, 34, from Weybridge seemed uncertain as to the benefits of the initiative after he made his naked commute in to the office this morning:

"Fancy an apple?"

“The government are right when they say Naked Fridays impact upon our approach to work,” he said. “With some of the looks I was getting on the train earlier, I had to use the office’s rear entrance to avoid being seen by anyone I knew.”

Home Secretary Alan Johnson, speaking from Westminster without any clothes on, welcomed the move, claiming that Naked Fridays: “strike a blow for the average man in the fight against tough economical conditions.”

He did, however, warn that a mature attitude was required if Naked Fridays was to be a success. “I know that when we tested the scheme earlier this year there was a lot of childish giggling.  Well, all I’ll say about that is that people need to grow up, get into the spirit of this thing, and stop pointing at each other’s bits and laughing.  We’ve all got them.”

Naked Friday is the first of a number of government schemes currently being trialled in offices nationwide, including Bring Your Crack Dealer to Work Wednesday and Fill the Office with Brightly Coloured Plastic Balls Monday.

“All of these schemes are aimed at putting a smile on the face of the British office worker, who has had to endure a torrid year of salary cuts, redundancies and cutbacks,” said a government spokesperson.

“After all, what’s wrong with everybody bringing their crack dealer into the communal workplace to swap crack ideas, sell their wares and generally discuss the latest developments in the crack industry?  Nothing, that’s what.”

It will take a good deal more, it seems, before office workers like Steve Parker are convinced.  “I’m all for improving morale in the workplace,” he said, “but couldn’t they have introuduced Naked Fridays in the summer instead?  It’s freezing outside and snow is forecast next week. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”