Prime Minister ‘just getting round’ to writing Christmas cards, condolence letters

Gordon Brown has taken time out of his busy schedule to emphasise how demanding the festive season is proving for him, confirming that he is “only just now getting round to writing Christmas cards and those bloody condolence letters.”

Although many see the Christmas period as a time to wind down and get into the party spirit, the Prime Minister was keen to stress that, if anything, the opposite was true for him.

With deepest....oh screw this, Top Gear's on.

“This time of the year is absolute chuffing murder,” he said in an interview with the BBC this morning. “As if it isn’t difficult enough trying to run the country, I’ve got Sarah whinging at me to write the Christmas cards, then all these poxy letters of condolence to loved ones who have lost somebody in Afghanistan.

“I really don’t like writing them, truth be told,” continued Mr. Brown, before going on to reveal his technique for crafting such letters. “Usually, I try to put them off for as long as possible – typically until after Top Gear on a Sunday night – and then I get a huge pile, and I write them as quickly as I can.

“Of course, that probably explains the multitude of spelling mistakes and the barely legible handwriting. But then again, when you’re trying to feign sincerity like me, who honestly gives a crap?”

Further evidence of the Prime Minister’s approach to condolence letters came with this week’s revelation that a widow of one soldier serving in Afghanistan received a Christmas card from Downing Street bearing the slogan:

‘Dear David and family. Have a great Xmas – hope you and your Tory boys eat sh*t and die in the New Year. Love and hugs, Gordon & Sarah. xxx’

“Obviously, this must have been very upsetting for the poor recipient of the card, and it was a dreadful mix-up – particularly as her dead husband’s name was David,” countered Mr. Brown this morning.

“However, I would like to refute any allegation that this card was intended for David Cameron, and once again emphasise how very, very difficult it is for me to get anything right whatsoever in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Okay?”

Nobody really sure of difference between America and Canada survey reveals

The US flag

The majority of people aren’t really sure if there is any difference between America and Canada, a survey has revealed.  The international study, conducted by a research firm into whether or not countries were just making up facts about themselves for the hell of it, so as  to confuse people from others countries, found that of the sample they interviewed, 99.8% of people who live outside the US believe that the US and Canada are, in fact, the same place.

Stefan Edman, 34, from Gothenburg, Sweden, was one respondent to the survey, and reacted with disbelief upon hearing the news that they are separate countries.

“No f*****g way.  Are you sh*****g me?” Mr Edman said.  “Come on guys, this has got to be a joke or something.  I mean, I know they say they don’t, but let’s face it, they all sound the same, and in any case, if that map you’re showing me is right…they’re right next to each other.  I mean…Jesus.  Somebody needs to sit these two together in a room and sort this out, because it’s pretty f****d up.”

US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton was firm in her denial that Canada was part of the United States, issuing a statement to the press in response to the research: “I would like to reaffirm once more that Canada is not part of the United States and will continue to enjoy independence from this great nation.”

Mrs. Clinton continued: ” We don’t want them as part of us, anyway, what with their constant use of the word ‘eh’ and their weird French-speaking places…oooh, that’s freaking me out just thinking about it.  In summary, they can keep their maple leaf and shove it.  Is that clear?”

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown reacted to Mrs. Clinton’s aggressive statement by appearing to take a conciliatory, diplomatic approach to the situation.  “Look, I really don’t know why this is an issue.

“They’re all Americans together, so what’s the point in arguing?  Mrs. Clinton should concentrate on all the things they have in common: Mounties, Due South and Labatt’s lager – all of which are as American as apple pie, living in igloos and hunting mousses.”

Meanwhile, linguists are busy trying to track down the existence of any Canadian who has ever pronounced the word ‘about’ as ‘aboot’ as portrayed in the typical Canadian stereotype.

“I saw somebody once who said it,” said an anonymous man in the pub the other night.  “But it was on TV, and they were probably American.  Is there any real difference between Canadians and Americans anyway?”

Tramps, drunks everywhere celebrate creation of 32% strength beer

The nation’s public houses, bars and inner-city slums were celebrating this morning as news reached them of the launch of what is thought to be the world’s strongest beer, with an alcohol content of 32%.  The beer, known as ‘Tactical Nuclear Penguin’, is brewed by Scottish brewers BrewDog, of Fraserburgh, who claim that the beer is about “pushing boundaries” and not, as many people have suggested, “profiting from getting a load of people pissed quickly.”

Managing director James Watt said a limited supply of Tactical Nuclear Penguin would be sold for £30 each.  “Of course,” he continued, once everybody is too hammered to know what the hell is going on, then we’ll jack up the price to around £500 a bottle, and then we’ll rake it in.  Ker-ching!”

How to tell when you've probably had enough...

The brewers have also been quick to give strict guidelines as to how Tactical Nuclear Penguin should be consumed, advising that it should only be drunk in ’spirit-sized measures’.  An additional warning on the label states: “This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance.  Under no circumstances should it be dragged out at the end of the evening after you’ve already gone through all the nice booze in the house, poured in its entirety into a large jug, and tipped down your throat while your mates stand around you shouting: ‘Chug! Chug! Chug!”

Douglas McAdams, 57, greeted the news of Tactical Nuclear Penguin’s launch with unabandoned carefree joy.  “It was like all my Christmasses had come at once,” said McAdams, a homeless man from Glasgow with a history of alcoholism.  “All I have to do is worry about getting myself £30 for one bottle of this rocket fuel and I’m absolutely sh*t-faced for the rest of the week, without a care in the world.  Thank you,  BrewDog of Fraserburgh, for helping me through the winter months.”

Mr. McAdams’ sentiments were echoed in pubs and bars the length and breadth of the country.  “Now when I’ve had a crap day at work, I don’t have to worry about coming home and kicking the dog or shouting at my wife,” said one anonymous advocate from London.  “Instead, I crack open one of these bad boys, knock it back, and drink until I’m sick over myself.  Before long, I’m right as rain.”

BrewDog of Fraserburgh have refused to comment on speculation that next Christmas will see the launch of a 78% strength beer called: ‘This Beer is Guaranteed to Kill You or Your Money Back’.