England captain Collingwood apologises for Twenty20 final victory

England's captain comiserates with the rest of the players after victory over Australia

England captain Paul Collingwood has apologised to the British public for victory in yesterday’s World Twenty20 final against Australia.

Collingwood himself hit the winning runs with three overs to spare in the Caribbean to give England their first ever world cricket title, but said:

“I’d just like to apologise to all the supporters who came all this way, and to everyone watching at home. We really did everything we could to throw this game away, like we normally do, but in the end we were just too good for Australia.

“The point is that is wasn’t just our batsmen who were inexplicably good, but our bowlers too – and not just today, but throughout the entire tournament.  And for that, I apologise.”

Craig Kievswetter and Kevin Pietersen were the most disappointed in the England dressing room after the final, having staged a second-wicket partnership of 111 to steer England to victory.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” said Pietersen. “We were both out there, slashing wildly at everything, not really talking to each other and taking outrageous risks as usual, but for some reason, it was just really, really difficult to get out today.”

To confound his misery, Pietersen was named man of the tournament after scoring 248 runs in total.

“Look, I’m as embarassed as anyone about this, alright?” was all he would say after sheepishly receiving the award.

England cricket expert Geoffrey Boycott said he thought the England team should be ashamed of their performance:

“There are hundreds of thousands of England cricket fans in this country who have been brought up with an expectation of disappointment when it comes to these tournaments,” he said.

“How do they expect them to feel now that they’ve actually gone and won something? I’m not sure, but uncertain, confused and a little bit angry should just about cover it.”

“I suppose that we’ve now just got to try and pick ourselves up after this unexpected and disapponting tournament success,” Collingwood concluded.

“All we can do is try our hardest to lose the majority of games remaining this year, which should put us in an excellent position to get thrashed in the Ashes this winter.”

Capello set to name 30 least awful players in the country

England coach Fabio Capello will today announce what he thinks are the 30 least awful players in the country, ahead of next month’s World Cup Finals in South Africa.

The list of 30 will be cut down to 23 players, all of whom are considered to be marginally less terrible at playing football than the rest of the country.

“It’s been a tough decision,” said Capello last night. “I mean, look at our players – they are all pretty bad, almost without exception. I suppose I’ll just have to name the 30 players who are least likely to conclude every run on goal with a death-defying crash into the advertising hoardings.”

Not as awful as some of the other players

Asked if this ruled out the inclusion of Aston Villa’s Emile Heskey, Capello frowned. “No. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and it looks like we’re stuck with him, despite the fact that he averages a goal every 43 months.

“We’ve also got at least two massively error prone goalkeepers, a lanky beanpole up front who has the subtlety and touch of a large articulated truck and a large number of players who have extreme difficulty keeping their trousers on when they see a pretty lady.

“Do Spain and Brazil have these problems?  I rather think not.”

Asked if England would do well at the World Cup, Capello’s assistant Stuart Pearce found time in between filming World Cup related TV adverts to declare: “Oh, sure. We’ll probably go on and win it quite easily and without even trying.

“After all, who have the other teams got? Messi? Ronaldo? Kaka? To hell with that. We’ve got Michael Carrick. The other countries might as well not bother showing up.”

Football’s governing body FIFA confirmed this morning that they had turned down a request from the FA to call some surprising new players into the squad.

“I can confirm that the FA made a request to bring in several players who would they feel will improve their team for the World Cup,” said a FIFA spokesperson.

“Unfortunately, we had to tell them that Pele has retired, not to mention the fact that he is Brazilian, while Roy Race and Billy the Fish are both entirely fictional characters.”

Rooney injury threatens to put an end to civilisation as we know it

Wayne Rooney was last night undergoing medical tests to ascertain the seriousness of an injury that is threatening to put an end to civilisation as we know it.

The Premier League’s leading scorer and leading choice for footballer of the year had to be helped from the pitch with suspected ankle ligament damage after Manchester United’s 2-1 defeat in the first leg of their Champions League quarter-final against Bayern Munich last night, seemingly unaware of the sense of impending doom the injury had created.

Ferguson: blames himself

Rooney, who left the Allianz Arena in Munich on crutches and with his right foot in a protective boot, was due to have a hospital scan today amid concerns that he could be facing a possible six-week lay-off.  However, team doctor Dr. Steve McNally took time out from burying his head deep in his hands, rocking backwards and forwards and wailing softly, to comment:

“What’s the point?   I mean, what’s the point in anything anymore?   He’s probably out for the rest of the title run-in, not to mention the World Cup finals.  Anything we do to help him will probably just make the whole thing worse.

“It’s time we all ran out onto the streets, and started looting and pillaging, because, to be honest, I can’t really see anything else worth living for.  Can you?”

Rooney’s manager, Sir Alex Ferguson painted a bleak picture of how life would be without Rooney over the next six weeks or so.  “I think we all hoped and prayed that this day would never come…but it looks like it has,” a morose Ferguson announced.

“I’m afraid that everyone has to plan for the worst, and barricade ourselves inside our homes with as many supplies of fresh water and grain as we can muster, all the while hoping – against hope – that somehow everything turns out alright.  This is a time to be with your loved ones.  Go to them.”

Asked whether or not there was any chance that Rooney, 24, would recover in time for United’s title run-in, the United manager broke down.

“WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?” he wailed.  “I blame myself…I honestly do.  If only I hadn’t been so selfish in my pursuit of a second away goal in Munich.  If only I had taken him off five minutes earlier….if only.  And now…now, everything is lost.”

Asked for his view on Rooney’s injury, BBC pundit Alan Hansen would only say: “May God have mercy on us all.  I still fancy Liverpool for the title, though.”

Capello vows to select Beckham despite injury

England coach Fabio Capello shocked the sporting world last night by vowing to select AC Milan midfielder David Beckham for this summer’s World Cup Finals in South Africa – despite the fact that he had appeared to have been ruled out of the tournament by serious injury.

Upon hearing the news that Beckham had successfully undergone surgery on his Achilles tendon, Capello last night insisted: “Well, that’s good news. But, to be completely honest it doesn’t change my plans for the World Cup even slightly, and I’m still going to select him.”

Beckham: on his way to South Africa

When pressed on the sanity of selecting a player who might not even be able to run for another month, let alone play football at the highest level, Capello shrugged.

“Look, these are all perfectly valid points.  But what else do you expect me to do? Select Shaun Wright-Phillips? That’ll be the day. Even on crutches and with one functional leg, Beckham can still be trusted to put in a better stint over 90 minutes, and has the added advantage of not needing a special pair of steps to help him reach the top shelf of his locker.

“But at the same time, I think everyone needs to understand that Beckham’s presence in the squad was never going to stand or fall on his footballing ability alone. No, I really just want him there to look adorable in the team photograph and pass on fashion tips to the players. Didn’t you know that I’m Italian?”

Beckham, 35, tore his Achilles tendon on Sunday night whilst playing for Milan against Chievo, and it had been thought that the injury was going to rule him out for up to five months. The England midfielder was keen to outline his manager’s plans for him, however, in a statement to the press this morning.

“Mr Capello wants me to, y’know, come on the pitch whenever there are set pieces and swing around my crutches until I make enough contact with the ball to get it into the box.  He said it was, y’know, the same principle as table football.  Y’know.”

A spokesperson from the FA was far too depressed to offer any comment on the story, and when questioned, could only be heard to emit a low, gentle, sobbing noise.

Beckham wins 2010 Nobel Peace Prize after substitute England appearance

"A big round of applause for my beard"

David Beckham has been announced as the surprise winner of the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize. The announcement comes a full year ahead of the expected date for announcing the winner, and in the same week as Beckham, 34, picked up a surprise man-of-the-match award for his 30 minute substitute appearance at Wembley whilst playing for England in their 3-0 win over Belarus.

Committee Chairman Thorbjorn Jagland said: “We were all unanimous on this one and decided to break with convention just this once. Yeah, we know it’s only been a week since Obama got his highly dubious 2009 award, but did you see Beckham on Wednesday night? The way he set up that goal was amazing, and besides he just looks adorable.  I love Becks.  He’s lovely, isn’t he?”

Critics have pointed to the fact that the Nobel Peace Prize is usually awarded to the idividual who has made the greatest contribution towards making the world a more peaceful, civilised place to live.

Beckham, for his part, argues Nigel Streamer of The Times: “prances around in fancy clothes with a bit of a stupid look on his face, then gets paid ridiculous amounts of cash to kick around a football and stay married to a loathsome stick insect.

“More to the point, it’s still 2009,” Streamer continued. “How is it even possible for Beckham to win next year’s award at all, not least on the strength of 30 minutes of a game of international football? 30 minutes! Even his manager didn’t think he was good enough to start the game!”

A visibly delighted David Beckham shrugged of the controversy to accept the news with his usual sense of decorum. “Obviously, I’m overwhelmed to have got the prize and at the end of the day, I’ve just got the ball in the box and Crouchy has done the rest. Fair play to the lads on the judging panel, they’ve had a blinder. This is about my beard, isn’t it?”

England coach Fabio Capello was unavailable for comment as he was too busy trying to strip wallpaper off a wall by staring at it.

Debate over televised football rights divided by half-wits, ononists and drunks

The debate over football television rights raged on today as almost 57% of England football fans registered their disgust at having to miss England’s World Cup Qualifying game in the Ukraine at the weekend, owing to the fact that it was only available to watch via an exclusive internet stream and they were too stupid to work out how to operate a computer.

Meanwhile, a further 38% of those surveyed said that they “weren’t in the least bit bothered” and that the match gave them the perfect excuse to spend a couple of hours in a darkened room hunched over a laptop away from the missus, with the remaining 5% too drunk to know what was happening, as the game was played on a Saturday night.

An England supporters waits patiently for his stream to buffer

England supporters’ club spokesman representative Ian Chandler issued a brusque statement on behalf of football fans everywhere, declaring: “Enough is enough.  We, the downtrodden fan have been mistreated by the television companies for too long with poor quality transmissions and empty promises.  I personally picked up my laptop and bashed it against the table for fifteen minutes, and there was still no sign of the England match coming on.  What are these people playing at?”

However, these sentiments were not echoed universally, as 47 year-old postman Chris Rogerson from Gateshead affirmed: “To be honest, I was just glad of the opportunity to have some spare time to myself.  I told the missus that the England game was on the internet, and she didn’t think twice about it, as she’d seen it on the news.

“So I took the laptop into the front room, drew the curtains, and checked out some of the…well…’specialist’ websites that my mate Mike told me about a couple of months ago.”  When pressed upon the nature of these ‘specialist’ sites, and whether or not any of them showed England’s 1-0 defeat to the Ukraine, Rogerson turned extremely coy.  “Er, that’s not important,“ he said, “what is important is that I had a thoroughly good time.”

Suzannah Tinker, landlady of the King’s Arms pub in Swindon, meanwhile, was keen to point that most of her punters had been sitting in a drunken haze for much of the day and were completely unaware that any England match was taking place.  “England match?” she said, indignantly.  “What England match?  Saturday’s drinking day.  There’ll be no football in here.”

England to Get World Cup Shoot-Out Agony Over With Seven Months Before Tournament Starts

An FA spokesperson has confirmed that England are looking to save everybody a lot of unecessary bother by staging their dramatic World Cup Quarter-Final penalty shoot-out exit next month at Wembley – seven months before the tournament is due to start in South Africa. England fans had been riding the crest of a wave following last week’s 5-1 victory over Croatia to ensure qualification to next summer’s tournament with a 100% record, although the FA are, it seems, taking a more grounded approach.

Peter Crouch loses his footing on the way up to the penalty spot, in a very similar manner to a blindfolded, heavily sedated newborn foal on ice, to send England out of the World Cup Quarter-Final shoot-out eliminator

“We’ve all been here before, haven’t we?” said an FA spokesperson at Soho Square last night. “We qualify for an international tournament, everyone gets over-excited and thinks we’re going to win every game 7-0. People are losing sight of the fact that, as a nation, we always tend to bottle these situations.”

As such, the FA have asked FIFA, football’s governing body, for special dispensation to arrange a World Cup Quarter-Final shoot-out eliminator at Wembley next month to put everyone out of their misery early, and prevent everyone from relentlessly banging on about how ‘England are going to win the World Cup’ when you actually know there’s probably more chance of a jar of pickled herrings winning this week’s Euro Millions jackpot.

“The ten or fifteen minutes of shoot-out agony will take place at some time in mid-October,” the FA spokesperson confirmed, “probably against either Bolivia or Azerbaijan. To be honest, we haven’t bothered checking if either is close to qualifying for the World Cup, but we’re still pretty sure they will beat us on penalties.  Standard practice in these situations is for a plucky squad player to miss a decisive spot-kick, plunging the nation into despair so the smart money is on one of Wayne Bridge, Peter Crouch or Wes Brown to burst everyone’s bubble.”

The shoot-out will run in accordance with normal FIFA rules, with both teams having the opportunity to take five penalties each. To be fair though, England’s opponents could play without a goalkeeper, and with both legs strapped together and still win, so they should probably just start celebrating now.