Capello set to name 30 least awful players in the country

England coach Fabio Capello will today announce what he thinks are the 30 least awful players in the country, ahead of next month’s World Cup Finals in South Africa.

The list of 30 will be cut down to 23 players, all of whom are considered to be marginally less terrible at playing football than the rest of the country.

“It’s been a tough decision,” said Capello last night. “I mean, look at our players – they are all pretty bad, almost without exception. I suppose I’ll just have to name the 30 players who are least likely to conclude every run on goal with a death-defying crash into the advertising hoardings.”

Not as awful as some of the other players

Asked if this ruled out the inclusion of Aston Villa’s Emile Heskey, Capello frowned. “No. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case and it looks like we’re stuck with him, despite the fact that he averages a goal every 43 months.

“We’ve also got at least two massively error prone goalkeepers, a lanky beanpole up front who has the subtlety and touch of a large articulated truck and a large number of players who have extreme difficulty keeping their trousers on when they see a pretty lady.

“Do Spain and Brazil have these problems?  I rather think not.”

Asked if England would do well at the World Cup, Capello’s assistant Stuart Pearce found time in between filming World Cup related TV adverts to declare: “Oh, sure. We’ll probably go on and win it quite easily and without even trying.

“After all, who have the other teams got? Messi? Ronaldo? Kaka? To hell with that. We’ve got Michael Carrick. The other countries might as well not bother showing up.”

Football’s governing body FIFA confirmed this morning that they had turned down a request from the FA to call some surprising new players into the squad.

“I can confirm that the FA made a request to bring in several players who would they feel will improve their team for the World Cup,” said a FIFA spokesperson.

“Unfortunately, we had to tell them that Pele has retired, not to mention the fact that he is Brazilian, while Roy Race and Billy the Fish are both entirely fictional characters.”

Capello vows to select Beckham despite injury

England coach Fabio Capello shocked the sporting world last night by vowing to select AC Milan midfielder David Beckham for this summer’s World Cup Finals in South Africa – despite the fact that he had appeared to have been ruled out of the tournament by serious injury.

Upon hearing the news that Beckham had successfully undergone surgery on his Achilles tendon, Capello last night insisted: “Well, that’s good news. But, to be completely honest it doesn’t change my plans for the World Cup even slightly, and I’m still going to select him.”

Beckham: on his way to South Africa

When pressed on the sanity of selecting a player who might not even be able to run for another month, let alone play football at the highest level, Capello shrugged.

“Look, these are all perfectly valid points.  But what else do you expect me to do? Select Shaun Wright-Phillips? That’ll be the day. Even on crutches and with one functional leg, Beckham can still be trusted to put in a better stint over 90 minutes, and has the added advantage of not needing a special pair of steps to help him reach the top shelf of his locker.

“But at the same time, I think everyone needs to understand that Beckham’s presence in the squad was never going to stand or fall on his footballing ability alone. No, I really just want him there to look adorable in the team photograph and pass on fashion tips to the players. Didn’t you know that I’m Italian?”

Beckham, 35, tore his Achilles tendon on Sunday night whilst playing for Milan against Chievo, and it had been thought that the injury was going to rule him out for up to five months. The England midfielder was keen to outline his manager’s plans for him, however, in a statement to the press this morning.

“Mr Capello wants me to, y’know, come on the pitch whenever there are set pieces and swing around my crutches until I make enough contact with the ball to get it into the box.  He said it was, y’know, the same principle as table football.  Y’know.”

A spokesperson from the FA was far too depressed to offer any comment on the story, and when questioned, could only be heard to emit a low, gentle, sobbing noise.