LEADING mad scientist Dr. Destruction told reporters that people were, to him “like tiny little ants” and that he would “crush them”. Speaking from his secret underground lair, the mad evil genius made the mysterious comments shortly after drinking a test-tube full of the mystery potion thought to give him his evil super powers. Asked to elaborate on his comments, Dr. Destruction merely banged his fists on the table before adding: “Mine! Soon it will all be mine!” Dr. Destruction’s arch nemesis, super-hero Captain Fantastic was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.
RUNNING, walking and doing any form of physical exercise is one of the leading causes of cancer, AIDS and the Ebola virus, a new survey out this week, will conclude. The survey is, we expect, designed to destroy the very final vestiges of joy and light in everyone’s lives and will finally extinguish the flame of civilised society as we know it. Soon we anticipate that we will have reverted to a Feudal system at the very least, or maybe we’ll just go the whole hog and all become blood-sucking cannibals then take our chances from there.
NEW research has come to light claiming that talent shows such as The X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and Strictly Come Dancing really aren’t worth getting that worked up about. A leading expert in the field, Dr. Barry Sinclair explained his findings: “For years now, we’ve all been labouring under the impression that these programmes were high-quality scheduling that offered value and great meaning to our lives. Turns out, it’s just mutton dressed up as lamb, and a load of weirdos dressed up in spangly outfits. Let’s face it, you’d have to be a freak to get emotionally involved with something that crass.”
THE NIGERIAN government has apologised for an IT glitch which has, unbeknownst to them, been sending out e-mails all over the world soliciting unsuspecting internet users for their bank details. A statement from the President’s office read: “It was not our intention to try and solicit any funds dishonestly. My brother was using my computer a couple of years ago, and accidentally pressed ‘Reply to All’ in his e-mail – you know how these things happen. We only noticed last week, and now we have to clear up this mess. That’s the last time he’s using my computer for Online Poker, I’m telling you.”