The government has moved swiftly and decisively this morning to instruct NHS hospitals nationwide to dispose of 10% of their patients by the end of the week, in the face of a crisis over costs.
A leaked memo from Secretary of State for Health Andy Burnham, has informed hospitals that patients have become ‘an unnecessary drain on NHS resources.’ The memo continued that they ‘should begin systematically removing patients from hospitals as soon as possible, possibly by loading them all onto a big truck in the middle of the night and ditching them in a big smelly hole.’
Burnham refused to be drawn on the leaked memo, stating: “It’s difficult to say whether or not whether we are planning to drop a large number of NHS patients in a big, dirty hole. There are so many options available: high-impact explosives, the use of ninjas and voodoo magic to name but a few. Tell you what though – we’ll get far fewer hypochondriacs and time-wasters now, won’t we?”
Under the proposed plan, patients at each hospital will be entered into a lottery-style prize draw each month where the names of the unfortunate few will be pulled out, offered a nice dinner, then told that their number is up.
An NHS patients’ representative was far too appalled to comment.