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Channel 4 Executives Accused of Orchestrating Civil War to Boost Flagging Ratings

In Entertainment, Media on September 5, 2009 at 11:57
"Good evening, I'm Jon Snow.  Welcome to the frontline here at Westfield Shopping Centre..."

"Good evening, I'm Jon Snow. Welcome to the frontline here at Westfield Shopping Centre..."

Channel 4 executives are remaining coy on accusations which suggest that they have exploited North-South tensions in the UK by bringing the nation to the brink of all-out Civil War in a bid to boost their flagging ratings. The news comes following the conclusion last night of the 10th and penultimate series of Channel 4’s Big Brother, which has once again failed to reach the heights of previous series.

Even as the reality show reached its climax last night, rumours were circulating in the press that Channel 4 News was about to go to air with a story claiming that “all Northerners are soft and Southerners are shandy drinking girls…unless, that is, they can all prove otherwise.”

Channel 4 have been looking for some time for a big-hitting ratings winner to fill the void left by Big Brother, and Channel 4 executives privately believe that round-the-clock Civil War coverage, chaired by Jon Snow could be the answer.

Meanwhile, tensions between the North and the South were at unprecedented levels last night, as both camps moved their troops nearer one another’s borders – most noticeably, after chucking out time at the pub at around 11.30pm.

Spokesperson for the North, one of either Ant or Dec – we can’t tell which – said: “Aye, this is reet canny, pet. Whay aye! Haway the lads!” Meanwhile Southern Representative Nigel Havers simply cocked one eyebrow and said: “Maliflous” in a mysterious, yet slightly intriguing manner.

It is thought that if and when these tensions spill over into full-blown Civil War, the Midlands will remain neutral throughout the conflict. This is partly because it would provide an important thoroughfare for both parties for travel, offering a vital resource for supplies and aid for stricken troops.  Mainly, however, it’s because neither side would want to be associated with Wolverhampton in any way, shape or form.

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  1. My dear Oracle, in the event of such action, Wolverhampton would defeat the frenzied claims of Birmingham, Nottingham and Derby and become the new capitol of the nation. Mark my words…

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