As yet another week of heroic, yet ultimately shambolic failure for Britain’s sportsmen approaches, the general public have demanded the imposition of strict preventative sanctions as a measure against disappointment rearing its ugly head. The British public are well versed with sporting failure, having had to put up with such pathetic losers as Tim Henman, the England football team, several utterly awful English cricket teams and everything Scotland and Wales have done at sport, ever.
However, James Weald, a spokesperson for IBSA, the Independent British Supporters Association said: “To be honest, we’ve had enough. The government should be doing more. We’ve come up with a suggested list of punishments for failure which might motivate our athletes a little more and help stop us all being so disappointed all the time.”
Under IBSA’s ‘Charter For Punishment’, failure for the England team to beat Croatia at Wembley tomorrow night will see them thrown headfirst into a container full of live, underfed piranhas.
“It’s the only fair course of action,” said Mr. Weald. “Likewise, the price for exiting the US Open at the Quarter-Final stage for Andy Murray will be getting chased around a small room by an angry Native American Chieftain waving a Tomahawk.”
Other punishments for sporting failure proposed by IBSA’s charter are thought to include tapping a tiny hammer on the head of any athlete failing to win a medal at the next Olympics until it really, really hurts, as well as strapping a rack of spare ribs to the the groin of any England batsmen failing to reach 50 runs in a Test and releasing the hounds.
It is thought, however, that the penalties imposed for Scottish and Welsh teams and participating athletes from the same countries will be largely negligible, as, let’s face it, not only does nobody expect them to win, but nobody really gives a damn about them anyway.