Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling this afternoon announced that Britain had made a decisive step towards recovery, after finding a crumpled twenty-pound note in his jeans pocket.
“The jeans had been lying in a heap in the corner of the room for a couple of months,” said the delighted Chancellor, brandishing the note in the faces of reporters outside 11 Downing Street. “I decided it was about time I washed them, so I checked the pockets, and found this little beauty!”
Mr Darling explained that he had not at first realised the immensity of his discovery.
“I thought it was a receipt at first,” he said, his eyes sparkling, and his flushed little face lighting up into the cheekiest of grins, “but when I pulled it out of my pocket, there was Her Maj’ staring back at me — fan-f***ing-tastic!”
The visibly ecstatic Chancellor then strode off along Downing Street, triumphantly holding the £20 aloft for all to see. He then continued on to Parliament Street, where he was seen entering the Red Lion pub.
A few hours later Mr. Darling returned to his residence at Downing Street, seeming somewhat unsteady on his feet. When asked about the whereabouts of the twenty-pound note, Mr Darling flung small change, thought to amount to around 30p, in the direction of reporters.
“Earlier predictions of recovery would seem to have been premature,” he slurred, as he stabbed wildly at the door of number 11 with his car keys, before posing the all-important question: “Would anyone like a pork scratching?” With a policeman’s assistance he was able to open the door, before tripping over the doormat and lying sprawled, face down on the floor, for some minutes.
This is third time in as many months that an increasingly desperate Chancellor has announced the end of the Recession, after recent announcements that he had found a ‘Scratch ‘n’ Win’ Lotto Extra card down the back of the sofa, been sent an interesting proposition from a Nigerian businessman via e-mail, and that he had also received a discount coupon of vouchers in the mail for him to spend in any nearby branch of Homebase.