authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

North Koreans Boast Unconvincingly About New ‘Super Cool Missile’

In World News on September 12, 2009 at 08:26
North Korean leader Kim-Jong-Il: Proof, were it needed, that it doesn't matter how many tough army guys are standing around you - if you are wearing a rubbishy old anorak, you still look like a pillock

North Korean leader Kim Jong-il: Proof, were it needed, that it doesn't matter how many tough army guys are standing around you - if you are wearing a rubbishy old anorak, you still look like a pillock

As rumours gather pace that scientists from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea are in the final stages of developing a ‘super cool’ nuclear missile, it has been confirmed that the United States has been attempting to return to multilateral talks aimed at ending the North Korean nuclear programme. Despite these efforts, it is thought that the North Koreans are continuing with the development of a nuclear missile that, according to sources: “Is not only painted a pretty shade of red, but has go-faster stripes, alloy wheels, a spoiler and everything.”

Speaking in Pyongyang yesterday, government scientist Lim Byung-hoon confirmed the devastating effectiveness of the new weapon while standing in front of a large world map with blinking coloured lights on it.

“This is unlike any missile ever developed before,” Lim told astonished representatives from the world’s media: “It has a maximum range of at least round the world twice, and the destructive power of a million Death Stars. More even.”

Mr Lim went on to explain that the missile — named the ‘Dear Missile’ in honour of DPRK leader Kim Jong-il — also has ‘cloaking’ abilities, in excess of the most advanced stealth aircraft, that allow it to travel undetected through enemy airspace.

“Pretty cool, eh?” Mr. Lim continued. “And even if it were detected”, he added, “the missile is equipped with an ‘everything-proof’ force field that makes it impossible to shoot down. Even with death-rays and lasers, like you see at the movies.

“Also,” Lim said, after a brief, thoughtful pause, “It can smell. And hear. Yes, that’s right, I should think.”

Although keen to pursue a peaceful course of action, one highly ranked government official we spoke to in Washington seemed less than convinced by Lim’s claims.

“Is he yanking my crank? Come on – I’ve seen plenty of things, but an ‘everything proof’ force field? I haven’t been this insulted since the last Bush administration.”

However, the North Korean people remain convinced, as evidenced yesterday evening, when they burst into spontaneous song to glorify the name of the Dear Leader and the great accomplishments of his honoured scientists. More glorious singing is expected later this week.

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