authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on September 13, 2009 at 16:52

TWO MEN, said to be Scotland’s oldest thieves have pleaded guilty to robbing a newsagents in Glasgow last year. Richard Mulhearn, 70, and 72-year-old James Adams are believed to have made off with nearly £2,000 worth of Werther’s Originals, stamps, Ovaltine and condolences cards before police examined CCTV and arrested them.

"Give us all your Werther's Originals!"

"Give us all your Werther's Originals!"

A PIGEON in Durban, South Africa which carried a 4GB memory stick to its destination faster than ADSL broadband has become the template for a new series of British transport reforms. Working on the same principle, National Express trains have calculated that any number of a snail, a slug, a tortoise or a sloth would be faster than their existing train service, and as such are exploring ways of bringing them all into immediate service.

NEW MEASURES due to be announced this week which will relax the previously stringent laws on product placement on British television, have been greeted with outrage. The move, which will see Fiona Bruce dressing up in a Tony the Tiger costume to read the news, whilst eating a bowl of Frosties, has been particularly poorly received. “I’m just not sure how many times I can get the words ‘They’re Grrrrrreat!’ into a news broadcast,” Bruce said.

A LOCAL Authority has asked locals wishing to openly mock an elderly woman who threw out over £12,000 in a carrier bag to form an orderly queue. The woman, who lives in Horsham, West Sussex, threw out the money which was in £50 denominations over the weekend. “We understand that there is great demand to point and laugh at this woman for this rank act of idiocy,” a spokesperson for Worthing Borough Council said, “and let’s be honest, she gets everything she deserves. Let’s just get it done with a minimum of fuss, eh?”

SCIENTISTS have pointed to increased temperatures across the Northern Hemisphere in recent months as further evidence of Global Warming. “If you compare temperatures in July to those in, say, last December, the results speak for themselves; the Earth’s climate seems to be getting warmer at an exponential rate,” said one scientist, although he did concede that he had made the same bold claim at around this time last year, at which point, if anything, it just started getting colder.

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