In a bid to reduce unnecessarily tedious levels of paperwork, the Home Office has today approved plans that will see the UK’s Police forces cease using stop-and-search tactics to ask questions that aggravate and harass suspects. Instead, the new measures will see them employing the same tactics to stop people, compliment them and say nice, pleasant things. The move comes as complaints from suspects have risen in recent months and is seen as a necessary step towards halting potential social disorder and preventing riots.
Whereas officers were previously required to record details on suspects’ ethnicity, religion, age and well, ethnicity, they will now only be asked to record responses to “nice” questions, such as “what did you have for your tea?,” and “going anywhere nice on your holidays this year, are you?” or “so, what’s YOUR favourite colour?”
Suspects group No To Babylon Bovver! welcomed the move, and as one regular offender said: “Listen mate, we’re fed up wiv constantly being bombarded wiv questions about how old we are, and whevver we stole that old lady’s bag, and I fink its good for community relations to have some nice chats wiv the bobbies for a change. Why, just the other day, I went for tea and cakes with a police constable. It was bleedin’ delightful.”
However, senior Police officers union ACPO said the new rules could lead to an increase in suspects being let off as not enough information was recorded. One police source, who asked to remain anonymous, told us “We don’t ask nasty questions for the fun of it, you know. It doesn’t matter to us one jot what the crime committed might be, we have to know whether they go to church regularly, and how old they are, so that we know where to find them again if we have to.”
One of the more welcome side effects of the new rules will be that travel companies and food producers will be able to target their products more effectively at the criminal demographic. In particular, it is expected that travel agencies offering holidays abroad to destinations that serve “all day English breakfasts” will benefit substantially.