authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Morbidly Obese, Socially Inept Eagerly Anticipate Opening of Harry Potter Theme Park

In Lifestyle, World News on September 16, 2009 at 08:18

A new Harry Potter theme park is set to open its doors to children, the morbidly obese, socially inept and those who sit in all day playing computer games. The theme park, which will open its doors in Spring 2010 at Universal Studios, Florida, will dangerously perpetuate the myth that Harry Potter’s world, created by J.K.Rowling, is real to those who are unable, or worse still, unwilling to tell the difference.

Dispiritingly, it is thought that many potential visitors to the ‘Wizarding World of Harry Potter’ are already looking into flights and hotels for the park’s opening week.  One such prospective customer, 45 year-old Quantity Surveyor James McEwan asked us breathlessly, in between mouthfuls of pie: “Will there be Hogwarts? Will there be Quidditch? Will there…will there….” After a brief pause and a heavy thud, his mother picked up the phone and said: “Could you call back? Jimmy’s got a little bit over-excited.”

Harry Potter: not real

Harry Potter: not real

The park is said to include a number of key elements from the Harry Potter films, including the Glight of the Hippogriff, simulating a training flight on the magical, quick-to-offend creature, and the Forbidden Journey, set inside a giant replica of Hogwart’s school.  Although many are questioning the legal ramifications of letting a group of sweaty, middle-aged men dressed in school uniform to mingle freely in the same environment as children, senior executives involved in the construction of the park are  effusive in their praise of the project.

Indeed, Chairman and CEO of Universal Studios Tom Williams, speaking at today’s announcement, was at pains to emphasise how exciting visitors would find the experience. “It’s like no place on Earth!” he boomed. “Except that, of course, it is,” he added, in a slightly lower voice. “In fact, it is very much like a place on Earth, given that you are only visiting a brightly coloured slab of concrete in Florida.”

J.K.Rowling was contacted for comment on the new theme park atrocity, but was largely inaudible over a gigantic rustling sound, as she rolled around in her bottomless pit of money.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: