The Home Office has taken the unusual step this morning of making a statement to warn the British public of a new worldwide pandemic they believe is killing everybody from the 1980s – despite any sort of scientific evidence to endorse their claims. The statement comes in the aftermath of the recent high-profile deaths of Michael Jackson, John Hughes, Keith Floyd and Patrick Swayze in recent months.
Speaking this morning, Home Secretary Alan Johnson said: “We’ve been looking very closely at what’s been going on, not only on this side of the Atlantic, but over there too, and by crikey, we think we’ve found a pattern. All these people who have died were either in the charts, on the telly, or in movies in the 80s. It’s only a matter of time before this thing spreads dangerously out of the mass-media and into the general public. PANIC! EVERYONE PANIC!”
Sceptics are already pointing to the lack of scientific research to back up the claims, with one doctor calling the statement ‘needless scaremongering.’
“It’s needless scaremongering,” said Dr. Ted Phillips, pointing to the fact that the celebrities cited all died from a variety of causes. “People from the 80s are no more at risk than you or I. I think it’s safe to say that the recent number of deaths of celebrities that were popular in the 1980s is nothing more than a coincidence, And if that isn’t the case, may I be struck down by lightning on the 18th hole this afternoon whilst playing golf.”*
However, the Home Office does not share this optimism and is already preparing to give round-the-clock medical supervision to Mr. T, Madonna, Gary Coleman, Anne Diamond and Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
“The real danger here is that the pandemic will spread from those who were famous in the entertainment industry to everyday folk,” continued Johnson. “In a worse case scenario, the pandemic could affect absolutely everyone who was alive in the 80s, as well as everyone who has ever known anyone who was alive during the 80s. We’re talking about something even worse than swine flu here – that’s how bad this could be.”
*This article is dedicated to the memory of Dr. Ted Phillips, who was cruelly struck down by lightning shortly after this interview took place.