Tory urban affairs spokesperson Nigel Grey has controversially claimed that he can solve all of British society’s problems ‘by watching cable television’. “Shows like Traffic Cops, Booze Britain and Danny Dyer’s Hardest Teenager have opened my eyes to the world” Grey said, clutching a copy of the Radio Times, and waving it about in the air for effect, “and will shape a generation of Conservative social policy gaffes.”
Grey’s comments have come at a difficult time for David Cameron, who is due to make his keynote speech at the Tory party conference in just a few short weeks. Cameron is known to be a hardliner on rubbish TV, once fiercly berating a member of his constituency office for turning the television on to watch Coronation Street during an important period of policy-related contemplation.
“Turn that f**king thing of you stupid f*k, I’ll shove that f**king remote so far up your a**e it’ll get stuck in your ear,” Cameron almost certainly didn’t say. Cameron is said to prefer Countryfile and radio series such as The Archers, whilst other members of his front bench have privately confided that they have to use iPlayer to catch up on Eastenders in the middle of the night when out on the road with the Tory leader.
Grey was defiant last night, despite an ominous silence from his leader’s office. “Policing methods, social behaviour modification therapy and even immigration are just a few of the policy areas that I’m looking at after my research. Big Brother may be on the way out, but why not propose a mock eviction system once the country is full? I mean if BNP activists have to call an 0891 number to evict people, we don’t have to actually action it. You could look on it as a tax on stupid people.”
A spokesperson for Nigel Grey issued a statement just before we went to press claiming that “Mr Grey has been suffering from a stress-related illness and will be making a further statement clarifying his recent interviews in the next couple of days.”