It has been revealed that US President Barack Obama intends to replace the scrapped ‘Star Wars’ defence system with alternative arrangements based around the toy franchise He-Man. The controversial decision was reached after a number of rigorous weapons tests, in which Mr. Obama apparently found fault with the idea of American troops using lightsabers as defensive weapons.
‘The President tried out the lightsaber personally, and found a few problems with it,’ said General Collington, who liased personally with the President. “Most notably that it lacked reach, and tended to be ineffective against larger swords, such as the one wielded by He-Man.”
According to eye-witnesses, after an initial round of tests, Mr. Obama held aloft He-Man’s magic sword and said, “By the power of Grayskull, this is much better!” This eventually led him to propose a radical rethink of defence policy, built around a He-Man-based approach.
The precise details of the new policy are, as yet, unclear, but early indications point to the installation of castle-like structures, manned by Sorceresses, in several key locations in Eastern Europe. Large-scale deployment to Middle-East insurgency hot spots of heavily-muscled men riding armoured green tigers, is also expected to form a major part of the plan.
Critics of Obama’s administration have accused the President of abandoning the project purely to distance himself from the policies of former President George W. Bush. According to Whitehouse insiders, however, the President’s decision was based entirely on the discrepancies between the two toy weapons, and had nothing to do with any previous administration.
When asked to comment, former President Bush remarked tersely that he was unhappy with developments.
“This seems like a rash move on the part of President Obama,” said Mr. Bush. “After all the hard work my administration put into the ‘Star Wars’ defence system, throwing it all away on the basis of a toy lightsaber seems hasty at best – if not downright foolish. If he’d just taken a little more time to inspect the plans as I originally laid them out, he’d have seen that the majority of hand-to-hand combat would be handled by Wookies armed with blasters – and in any case there’d be constant air support from squadrons of X-wings.”