authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Science Community Warns Panicked Society About Everything

In Science on September 19, 2009 at 09:31

Eating: Lethal, apparently. Don’t do it.

Eating: Lethal, apparently. Don’t do it.

Mankind was left reeling today after a 400-volume research report from a group of the world’s leading scientists conclusively proved that doing anything at all might be bad for you.  Scientists spanning the fields of biology, sociology, medicine, physics, cookery, chemistry and anthropology published their list of ‘really bad stuff’ that could affect everyone on the planet.

Amongst the list of things that might be bad for us are:

  • Looking. Though useful for making sure we can interpret signs around us, the group says that ‘looking at people in a funny way’ might lead to a battering.
  • Eating. Advanced theories on the benefits of genetically modified food have failed to demonstrate their value, as indeed have any foodstuffs that are popular today, as they all carry ‘dangerous levels of nutrition and vitamins’. Instead, scientists advise we stick to ‘eating sand and drinking liquefied hydrogen’.
  • Sleeping. Lengthy and detailed field studies have shown that sleeping lowers metabolism and awareness, potentially resulting in an ‘increase in nocturnal burglary and potentially death by murdery’.
  • Interacting. The scientists believe that interaction with other humans is fatal thanks to the potential to spread of headlice, germs and ideas. Instead they recommend ‘solitary confinement from birth’.
  • Breathing. Scientists say that the dangers associated with breathing in toxic fumes, pollutants, ingestion of viruses etc. far outweigh the benefits of the cardio-vascular system.

Commenting at the report’s launch, chief scientist Professor Herman Cloakwarmer warned the public to take heed of the results. “Is this some sort of crackpot survey we dreamt up overnight? No, it’s not,” he said, apparently content to answer his own questions and talk to himself. “Is it essential that we humans take notice of these studies? Absolutely,” he continued, in much the same vein. “And why must we practice this report’s recommendations?,” he queried, critically without answer.

When challenged on more common issues, such as binge drinking, smoking, drugs, sex and celebrity gossip magazines, the panel of experts agreed that these are indeed dangerous pastimes, but considered them relatively insignificant compared to the gargantuan findings in the report before retiring to enjoy a three-course lunch with all the trimmings.

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