The head of the evil Tesco Empire has been using employing ‘the Dark Side of the Force’ to make sure that followers of a ‘Jedi’ religion, based on the popular Star Wars film series are not allowed to enter their stores wearing hooded garments. Daniel Jones, 23, hit the headlines this week when it emerged that he had been ejected from a Tesco store in Bangor, North Wales, despite insisting that wearing his hood was part of the Jedi faith he had founded, and which is recognised as having as many as 500,000 followers worldwide.
Responding to allegations that the Bangor branch had shown insensitivity towards Mr. Jones and his religious beliefs, Store Manager Kevin McManus said: “Tesco has many stores across the UK – we’re a sort of Empire, if you like, and as such, it’s important that we strike back on this issue. Store policy is that we don’t allow any hoods.” McManus then added, in a low murmur, “At last, we will have our revenge. You don’t know the power of the Dark Side!”
Mr. Jones reported the full horror of his visit to the Bangor store from a closely guarded intensive care unit. “It was like a nightmare….I only went in there for a sandwich at lunchtime and they tried to throw me out. I waved my hand and told them I was a Jedi and they couldn’t do that….the next thing I know, I’m being lifted off my feet and pinned to the wall and struggling for breath.
“Then I see the store manager come out, and he’s got all this lightning and stuff coming out of his fingers….it was like crazy sh*t. Those Tesco guys are pretty messed up. I mean, I know I say I’m a Jedi, but those guys ACTUALLY seem to be using the Dark Side of the Force.”
When presented with Jones’ testimony, a spokesperson released a statement on Tesco.com: “Tesco remains fully committed to its goals as an evil, oppressive imperial regime of terror. Would you like a Tesco Club Card? We know. We can feel your anger – it makes you strong. Take your Tesco Club Card, throw it back it in our face, and your journey toward the Dark Side will be complete. Don’t forget, there’s a special on all next week on loo rolls, too.”