Hundreds of thousands of students arriving at University have been denied their student loans because those in administrative positions ‘can’t be bothered getting them their stuff on time.’ It is estimated that nearly 170,000 students started University last week without any sort of funding in place – an issue that was initially put down to a severe backlog, given the large number of applicants.
However, speaking on The Today Show, Ralph Seymour-Jackson of The Student Loan Company (SLC), who are in charge of administering student loans said: “The thing is, we know that students don’t have any loans at the moment and we’re, you know, a bit sorry about that.
“But you have to bear in mind that these are students we are dealing with; what the hell do they care about deadlines? Like us, they’ll spend most of their time at University over-promising on timescales and massively under-delivering, so we thought we’d give them an early taste of what it tastes like when the shoe is on the other foot by acting like students ourselves – see if they like it.”
Employees at The Student Loan Company are said to have reacted well to the introduction of a number of radical new staff policies designed to meet these objectives. These include: the introduction of a subsidised bar at the office, new rules which mean that employees are not allowed to get up before lunchtime (and only then to watch repeats of Diagnosis Murder) and a booklet explaining that although work is ‘optional’ not doing it ‘will count towards them and their final grade’ if they don’t do it.
An unnamed staff member said: “It’s great here – morale has never been higher. Only last night we all went out until 4am and then threw toilet rolls at the office responsible for administering state pensions. They won’t know what hit them! I can’t even remember the last time I did any work.”
Sarah Grimes, 18, has just started at the University of Manchester, and is less than impressed with the attitude of the SLC. “How am I supposed to go out and get proper boozed up when I haven’t got any cash? It’s a form of abuse, isn’t it?,” whereas one other student lucky enough to get a cheque in the post complained that it was “covered in beer and curry stains.”