Celebrities who have surnames relating to particular professions or careers might not actually be naturally be able to perform that role, despite their name, an expert has claimed. Dr. Albert Diligent, a leading authority in the study of Naming at the University of Nuremberg, insists that those with names relating to everyday High Street professions probably lack even the most basic skills when it comes to adequately performing roles attributed to them by their names.
“For instance,” Dr. Diligent said, “from the celebrity world, Alan Shearer would most likely be a terrible sheep-shearer as all his experience lies in professional football, not in dealing with livestock, while Danny Baker would also be an awful baker. Can you imagine? He’d probably eat the profits. Equally, can you even begin to imagine what former US tennis player Jim Courier would be like as a real-life courier? It would be a dreadful shambles. The list is almost endless.”
Other celebrities singled out in Diligent’s report as being unlikely to adequately perform the duties outlined by their surnames were Minnie Driver, Winona Ryder, Prince and popular 1930’s Russian playwright Mikhail Aymacitybanker. However, another element of the Doctor’s research also uncovered compelling evidence which suggests that not only are celebrities with career-related surnames not able to take on the abilities of their moniker, but the same also applies for those famous individuals named after nouns and adjectives.
“For instance,” Dr. Diligent explained, “Tom Cruise, you will notice, very rarely cruises – at least not in any way we can infer that won’t get us into legal trouble – while Michael J. Fox is anything but an actual fox. Similarly, Charlie Sheen doesn’t really have much of a sheen, and even the British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown – if anything, he’s a white man for goodness sake!”
When confronted by a string of angry reporters on the steps of the University of Nuremberg, the Doctor was asked whether he was guilty of negligently wasting a perfectly good research grant in the name of stating the bleeding obvious while he spent most of the money down the pub. The renowned academic refused to deny the accusations, instead turned to face the assembled mob with a smile and a wink, saying: “Yes, but doesn’t that prove my point? After all, my name is Dr. Albert ‘Diligent.'”