Swine Flu today spoke out about its disappointment and anger at being seen merely as “another kind of flu or illness” by the general populace.
The formerly sexy mega-virus, responsible earlier this year for literally a whole ton of deaths, spoke today from the body of someone who, although very poorly, certainly wasn’t on the brink of death. The previously suspected global ‘pandemic’ blamed a fickle media for its misfortune rather than its own rather overestimated powers of destruction.
“Just look at this latest ‘headline’ from the Guardian: ‘Swine flu ‘could kill millions unless rich nations give £900m’,” said Flu. “For a start, no one believes it anymore, and secondly, it’s not even on the main page, it’s sidebar news. Yes, OK, it’s got the word ‘kill’ in it but people are immune to that sort of rhetoric, pardon the pun. What happened to the hourly news updates? Where are the supplement specials? People are all like “I’ve got some paracetemol, what are you going to do?”
Feeling amongst the general public certainly seemed to show that Flu is no longer able to orchestrate fear and hysteria in quite the way it used to. Emily Vole, a sales assistant from Norbury, said: “It was fun in its day – I mean all those pig jokes and Japanese people with face masks, but there’s always something new, it’s the nature of the business. It looks like E-coli’s making a bit of a comeback. You can’t beat the classics.”
The World Health Organisation last month changed its recommendations for dealing with Swine Flu from ‘immediately dial the emergency services’ to ‘get some Lucozade and a stack of DVDs and take a couple of days off’. However, Health Secretary Andy Burnham warned against dismissing Swine Flu too early. “Government policy is to treat the threat from Avian Flu with the gravity it deserves. These epidemics often have a ‘false start’ and… hmmmm? The what now? What flu?”