authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Global Vampire Quota Now Achieved, Says UN

In Entertainment, Media, Politics on September 23, 2009 at 09:12

The United Nations yesterday declared that the global quota for the representation of vampires in entertainment media has now been attained, and that artists wishing to represent vampires in their work must desist immediately.

The declaration was apparently prompted by the upcoming second installation in the Twilight series. Said Hans Blick, UN inspector of horror media: “There’s going to be tons of these Twilight films, not to mention TV spin offs, merchandising deals, etc etc. Unfortunately the Twilight glut has pushed vampire proliferation to a critical, unsustainable level. For the sake of the planet and its inhabitants, this incessant vampire nonsense must end.”

Vampires: enough already!

Vampires: enough already!

Although it’s deemed unlikely that any attempts to create new vampire-related media will result in military intervention in the countries involved, the UN has pledged to come down hard on offenders. Said Blick: “These people will face trial by Interpol and, if found guilty, they will go down.”

The entertainment industry has predictably hit back at the ruling. “This amounts to censorship,” said author Anne Rice today. “If people want vampires, and it looks like pretty much every person on the planet does want vampires, then they should get them. They’re cool, they’re sexy, they’re dead. Everyone wants to be a vampire.”

The US government has spoken up for the pro-vampire lobby in defence of what is thought to be a £30bn per year industry for the country. “This is all about freedom of speech,” said President Obama. “The UN has no right to dictate what kind of monsters America obsesses about. American vampires are the best in the world. We will fight for our free-market right to saturate the globe with them.”

European leaders, however, were less bullish about the move. Said French President Sarkozy: “Why can’t these Americans just get over vampires? Even the British are a bit over it. It’s like every day there’s a new vampire thing. Although we were glad that a particularly sexy bit of Interview with a Vampire was set in Paris, it’s enough now.”

Author Stephen King surprisingly supported the move. “There is no better vampire book than Salem’s Lot, period,” said King. “Everyone else should stop trying.”

  1. I have it on good authority that Ninja’s are going to wipe out a large proportion of Vampires anyway so the problem could become moot.

  2. I like roughly 85% of all television programming, films, books etc I consume to be vampire-related – who doesn’t? What annoys me – but only a little, because I ruddy love vampires – is the fact that every show/film/book has to do a different ‘take’ on the traditional vampire myth: ‘oh yeah, these ones can go out in sunlight/aren’t scared of crosses/aren’t allergic to garlic’ – pretty soon there’ll be one where they don’t drink blood.

    • Not all vampires drink blood anyways. Some of them are Psy Vampires, which feed off of peoples’ energy rather than blood.

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