The United Nations yesterday declared that the global quota for the representation of vampires in entertainment media has now been attained, and that artists wishing to represent vampires in their work must desist immediately.
The declaration was apparently prompted by the upcoming second installation in the Twilight series. Said Hans Blick, UN inspector of horror media: “There’s going to be tons of these Twilight films, not to mention TV spin offs, merchandising deals, etc etc. Unfortunately the Twilight glut has pushed vampire proliferation to a critical, unsustainable level. For the sake of the planet and its inhabitants, this incessant vampire nonsense must end.”
Although it’s deemed unlikely that any attempts to create new vampire-related media will result in military intervention in the countries involved, the UN has pledged to come down hard on offenders. Said Blick: “These people will face trial by Interpol and, if found guilty, they will go down.”
The entertainment industry has predictably hit back at the ruling. “This amounts to censorship,” said author Anne Rice today. “If people want vampires, and it looks like pretty much every person on the planet does want vampires, then they should get them. They’re cool, they’re sexy, they’re dead. Everyone wants to be a vampire.”
The US government has spoken up for the pro-vampire lobby in defence of what is thought to be a £30bn per year industry for the country. “This is all about freedom of speech,” said President Obama. “The UN has no right to dictate what kind of monsters America obsesses about. American vampires are the best in the world. We will fight for our free-market right to saturate the globe with them.”
European leaders, however, were less bullish about the move. Said French President Sarkozy: “Why can’t these Americans just get over vampires? Even the British are a bit over it. It’s like every day there’s a new vampire thing. Although we were glad that a particularly sexy bit of Interview with a Vampire was set in Paris, it’s enough now.”
Author Stephen King surprisingly supported the move. “There is no better vampire book than Salem’s Lot, period,” said King. “Everyone else should stop trying.”