Some of the UK’s leading reality TV producers have joined forces to provide a quirky alternative viewing package for the British public, it was announced today. The move, which is seen as part of ‘a spirit of co-operation against the backdrop of a tough economic climate’, is intended to remove the element of choice from an increasingly witless general public’s Saturday evening programming. To this end, the makers of the newly launched Britain’s Got the Toughest Dancing Big Street Cop Brothers Coming Strictly on Camera and X-Factor Master Ice Chef have hit back at critics who say that it lacks focus and is too big to put in TV Quick and other quality listings magazines, saying that their focus groups have advised that it ‘ticks all the boxes’.
The new competition-format show will offer a wide-ranging selection of the British public displaying their talents, but only as long as they fulfil at least three of the programme title’s criteria. For example, a simple singer will only be allowed to enter if they can also cook and are an employed member of the constabulary. Likewise, a magician may only enter if they can also ice-skate and do karate. Member of the judging panel, Simon Cowell said he was “excited to see what the country had to offer,” and that critics “would be amazed at the multifarious talent on show,” while they “were only jealous because the best they can do is play the spoons.”
But TV consumer group Watch It! said that the makers were milking the viewing public’s appetite for plastic celebrity culture by putting all the eggs in one enormous supermarket trolley. Spokesman for the group, Ken String, said “We’re disgusted that the producers don’t trust the public to make sensible and informed decisions about what they watch. I like beans on toast on a Thursday, me, and a hearty Pot Noodle on Friday, but that doesn’t mean I want noodles on toast on Saturday,” he rambled aimlessly while channel hopping.
Despite the clear chasm between the two groups, the ultimate decision will be made by the viewers when the first show in the series is shown in mid-October. That said, the general public would probably watch a three-part mini-series called Why Pavements Are Grey: An Insightful Journey Into Paving-stone Discoloration, as long as it was hosted by Simon Cowell, and it contained enough bright flashing lights and shouting.