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Nick Clegg Includes ‘Shock’ Words In Speech To See if Anyone’s Listening

In News, Politics on September 24, 2009 at 09:29
"Spider arms!"

"Spider arms!"

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg today admitted to taking on a dare from friends to include ‘shocking or unusual words’ in his conference speech in a bid to see if “anyone actually gives a f*ck.”  The Liberal Democrat leader was speaking before his speech closed his party’s annual conference last night, and surprised many with the candid nature of his remarks.

Said Clegg: “Come on, we all know nobody apart from the geeks and the a*se lickers are going to be there and the newspapers have never heard of me, so why not have some fun? It’s not like it matters. Me and my mates Steve and Dave were hammered last night and we came up with a brilliant list of words to try and get into the speech.”

According to Clegg, certain words needed to be inserted into specific parts of the speech. “Like, for example, when I’m talking about defence I’m going to try and get ‘p*ssface’ in.  I know! Stop it! Look, I’m not going to tell you any more because that would just ruin it, but could hear ‘clagrat’, ‘spider arms’ or ‘c*m slave’. Actually, I’m going to try and get that last one in a few times.”

Clegg admitted that the dare would stretch his oratory abilities. “I can’t deny it, I’m going to be p*ssing myself. I told Dave that every time I look down at my notes, that means I’ve lost it. The boys are going to do a drinking game at the same time. One pint for every word I get in. I can’t wait to meet up with them later.”

This is not the first time that political speeches have contained words intended to shock its comatose audience; Gordon Brown last year admitted that his reference to ‘equal rights for gobshites’ was, in fact, a dare from Peter Mandelson, while the entirety of Alistair Darling’s last Budget speech was peppered with spurious references to ‘front bottoms.’  When asked after the speech how he thought it went, Clegg remarked: “Did you see their faces?  Not a clue!  I actually shouted the word ‘a*se flap’ out loud at one point and left a five second gap for it to sink in…even then nobody seemed to notice.”

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