authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on September 27, 2009 at 20:35

RETAILERS are expected to waste time, effort, money, and – let’s be honest – valuable space by promoting low-alcohol wine and beer in the run-up to Christmas. Consumer watchdogs say research shows that the real reason people drink so many units in the UK is due to the prevalence of premium strength alcohol brands.  A consumer commented: “Yes, that’ll be it.  Not the depressing weather, my boring dead-end life, and the relentless mundane certainty of the knowledge that I’m doomed to a lifetime of servitude and debt.  Bring on the Kaliber at Christmas, I can’t wait.”

Ho bloody ho

Ho bloody ho

GORDON BROWN has fiercely denied that he has been taking anti-depressants to cope with the stresses of the job, and took the opportunity to clarify that he had had his eyesight checked only that week.  Speaking on the BBC’s Andrew Marr Show, the British Prime Minister said:  “This is the sort of question that is all too often entering the realm of British politics.  Is it me, or is it a little bit dark in here?”

SOTHEBY’S have announced that they will be auctioning what are widely regarding as the most important series of Lord Byron’s letters to go onto the market in 30 years.  The letters, originally purchased by former Prime Minster Earl Rosebery in 1885 include a number of disrespectful references by Byron to his literary rival William Wordsworth as ‘Turdsworth’.  Other utterances of note in the letters include Byron referring to John Keats as a ‘chav’, William Blake as a ‘pansy’ and the entire works of Shakespeare as ‘a bit sh*t’.

A NEW proposal is being discussed by the Department of Health, which could mean that NHS workers would have to declare when staff mistakes resulted in the death or injury of patients under their care.  Seen as a radical departure, the proposals are in direct contrast to the NHS’s existing policy of making everybody at least three times more ill than they were when they first came to see them, threatening to kill you, and then hiding the body if they actually manage to succeed.

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