Animals from the class Arachnida, otherwise known as spiders, today admitted they are monsters from another planet sent to Earth with a dark, unfathomable purpose and access to technology ‘way beyond human imagining’.
The spiders, speaking at a press conference as journalists huddled around a doorway, explained that their home was a distant star where a master race of ultra-Arachnida had built a civilization far more advanced than that of human kind. This race has been sending ‘spidernauts’ to other inhabited planets ‘for millions of years’, explained spokes-spider Uioaoneshvwi as he gazed coldly at the amassed reporters through emotionless black eyes.
Despite their confession, the spiders have refused to state why they have chosen to inhabit earth, saying only that there exists a solemn purpose that shall forever remain clouded by mystery and dread. “Just know this, you humans,” said Uioaoneshvwi, “there are truths of which you are but dimly aware, truths that can destroy races, even stars.” He then waved a leg at reporters, causing them to run in terror.
News of the statement caused panic across the globe as humans ran to grab cups, pieces of paper and kettles in defence against the interplanetary invaders. “Well, we always knew it didn’t we?” said Ben Meeker of Totton, Southampton. “I wouldn’t be surprised if spider bodies weren’t actually bodies at all, but a kind of alien armour. The actual alien bit is probably inside. Look how they move. It’s just not right.”
World leaders have moved to calm the global population by suggesting citizens ‘don’t go near any spiders.’ Said Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd: “Those are some f*****g big spiders we’ve got down here, but I’ll be arsed if we’re going to start running away from them, even if they are deadly space monsters.”
The British government asked the general public not to lash out at the spider community. “Look, there’s no need to be silly, they’re more scared of you than you are of them,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown today. “We don’t think it’s right to go after spiders in their natural habitat. However, if they’re on the bathroom floor, they’re fair game. Just make sure you step on them before they crawl up your trouser leg.”