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Staggeringly Pointless Survey Achieves Wildly Predictable Results

In News on September 30, 2009 at 08:29

A mere 12% of people in Britain feel happier with their lives since the recession began, according to the findings of a staggeringly pointless new survey, released yesterday.

The ICM poll, commissioned to promote some cause, stunt, product or another somehow felt that it came close to justifying its own existence with the news that just over one in 10 of those questioned felt happier in the current economic climate, with 88% feeling either less happy or the same.

Another survey participant demonstrates his satisfaction with the state of the economy

Another survey participant registers his satisfaction with the state of the economy

“Let’s face it, even then the one in ten is likely to be somebody who has just got laid, is a bit drunk, or has just watched an episode of Eastenders that wasn’t completely depressing for a change,” said Nigel Heath, a solicitor from Barnet, London, who was one of the 2,000 surveyed in the name of utter futility.

“I wasn’t really sure why they asked me some of the questions,” Mr. Heath continued. “I mean, it all just seemed SO ridiculous.  Take this, for example – it says here that the survey results show that 55% of people feel happier when they help a neighbour or friend with a problem. Of course I said that!  I mean, helping out my neighbour is hardly going to make me feel like the anti-Christ is it? Besides, anything I do to ease my conscience over sleeping with his wife and killing his dog is a bonus.”

Leading analysts, meanwhile, have criticised the way the findings have been interpreted.  Miguel Antoli, a senior research analyst at Datamonitor, said: “It’s all well and good saying that 25% of people are happier when they are shopping, but doesn’t this point to the fact that a whopping 75% of people are bloody miserable when they aren’t?  People need to know about these things.  There could be literally thousands of people sitting at home on their sofas suffering from clinical depression, all because they lack the basic werewithal to go out to Debenhams.”

A spokesperson for the cause, stunt or product has confirmed that even more pointless surveys are in the offing, including: ‘Kittens: Poisonous or cuddly?’ as well as the potentially ground-breaking: ‘The sky is blue and the grass is green – true or false.’


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