The UK has once again come top in the ‘Stella League’ according to the European Union, beating all other countries for the tenth year running. The ‘Stella’ is the EU’s measurement for determining a nation’s happiness and prosperity, based on the price of a can of Stella in a corner shop.
The EU study shows that while a can of Stella currently costs around £1 in a British corner shop, if bought as part of a six-pack, in Germany, the second happiest/most prosperous nation, it costs around the equivalent of £1.20. Denmark and the Netherlands also scored well, while the relatively primitive, wine loving nations of France, Italy and Spain continued to fare badly, pricing their Stella at £1.85, £1.90 and £2 respectively. Meanwhile, in ultra-expensive Finland, a can of Stella could set you back by up to £2.50.
EU Commission spokesman Carlos Impegnia said that although the ‘Stella’ is a good indication of a nation’s wealth and prosperity, it should not be looked at in isolation. “There are many factors that determine how happy a country’s population actually is,” he said. “For example, how many takeaway food outlets are situated in a one mile radius of the average citizen, and how many of those will deliver after midnight. Then there is the question of satellite TV. While most EU nations offer multi-channel TV showing a whole range of absolute crap, not many of those can offer live pause and the ability to record three post-pub hit-and-miss sketch shows at the same time.”
French Finance Minister, Christine Lagarde, stated that a good showing in the ‘Stella League’ was no reason for celebration. “Stella Artois was invented by the French, and it is supposed to be drunk from a delicate half-pint glass in a pavement bar in a sexy little quarter of Paris. It is not supposed to be drunk from a can in front of the TV with a curry. I don’t think we even have it in cans. We probably only do that for you people.”
Chancellor Alistair Darling, however, declared that he was delighted with the news. “Maintaining our lead in the ‘Stella League’ was one of Labour’s principal campaigning ideals and remains one of our greatest achievements. During the previous administration a can of Stella rose to a highly dangerous £1.50, a level we’ve been able to severely curtail. There is no greater pleasure for a British citizen than taking a lovely, heavy, six pack of Stella out of a corner-shop fridge and paying a pittance for it.”