authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

The Sun Newspaper Controls Everything You Think and Do, Admits Editor

In Media, News, Politics on October 1, 2009 at 13:47

The Sun newspaper is slowly and carefully manipulating every single thing you think and do, until you are nothing more than a drooling vegetable, involuntarily obeying its every command, it has been confirmed this week.

In a week when The Sun dramatically withdrew its support for Gordon Brown’s Labour government, senior cabinet officials are known to be planning for life after no.10, with a source inside Downing Street confiding: “That’s it then, our number’s up.  I mean, we’ve had a good run and everything, but everyone knows that The Sun is basically a form of mind control, and without their support, we might just as well pack up and go home now.”

Don't stare directly at it

Don't stare directly at it

The Sun’s mystical mind-controlling prowess had been suspected by many since its inception in the 1960s when it was pretty much responsible for single-handedly launching The Beatles, free-love and for England winning the World Cup.  The newspaper had even been thought to have come clean when, after the 1992 General Election, it boastfully announced to the nation ‘IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT,’ pointing out that that they had all been duped into voting John Major into power.  However, a swift retraction soon followed, and until this week’s announcement, advocating that without the support of the newspaper, Labour had ‘LOST IT’ it had been thought that the British public had been acting on their own free will.

Editor Dominic Mohan, however, laughed off this suggestion when it was put to him in an interview yesterday.  “Free will?  Are you having a laugh?  We can make these monkeys do anything we want to.  Do you think people actually buy music by James Blunt because they like him?  Don’t be ridiculous.  A few of us in the office are trying to see if we can get hundreds of people to pour custard into the river Thames next July and then get them to swim in it wearing chicken outfits.  Why?  BECAUSE WE CAN!”

Experts say that a leading cause of The Sun‘s power over people is its tendency to type everything in large, simple type which can play an important phscological role.  Dr. Mark Steadman explains: “The propensity to use bold type, block capitals and plain, simple English appeals to a base instinct in our psyche which acts as an command or instruction that is incredibly difficult to turn down.  Well, it’s either that or the fact they put tits next to everything.”

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