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DNA Tests on Skull Show Hitler Was Really a Woman

In World News on October 2, 2009 at 08:38
Adolf Hitler, circa 1933

Adolf Hitler, circa 1933

DNA evidence taken from a skull believed to be that of Adolf Hitler has sensationally proven that the German dictator was, in fact, a woman.

An American scientist who carried out the DNA testing made the breakthrough last week after running a series of additional tests, thought to include holding a buttercup up against Hitler’s skull to see if it liked butter.

“For starters, we can confirm from our extensive tests that Hitler was a massive butter fan,” said Dr. Laurence Litmore, one of the scientists who was made privy to the full set of test results.

“More significantly, we’ve also been able to prove from this amazing discovery that Hitler was not, as previously thought, a 56 year-old man when he died. Instead, we’re pretty sure that he was a woman in his mid-30s or 40s. From this we have also been able to deduce that the little moustache he had wasn’t his own at all and that he probably bought it at a joke shop.”

The discovery is set to lend a completely new perspective to the way we view both Hitler and Nazi Germany, as historian George Fielding explains: “Whereas previously we had thought that the sight of Hitler barking out commands at a rally in Berlin was the sign of an angered dictator in the height of his power, now I’m afraid it just looks like some poor dear who is having a bit of a nag.”

This is the latest in a series of  discoveries which have led historians to dramatically revise their opinions on some of the most influential figures in history.  “We found some dinosaur remains just outside Rome a few years back, which means that Ancient Rome must have been full of the things.  We reckon they must have raced them in chariots and Julius Caesar was probably eaten by one,” explained Fielding.  “Likewise, we think there’s a very good chance that Napoleon Bonaparte was actually a horse, judging from some equine remains found near his place of death in Saint Helena.  Although, to be honest, we’re not really sure about that one.”

When asked if it was at all possible that the skull could belong to somebody other than Hitler, Dr. Litmore said: “Well, I think that’s a bit far-fetched, don’t you?”

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