POPULAR 80s soft rockers Starship have announced that the city they built on rock and roll has fallen into a state of disrepair. After carrying out an extensive survey of the city, the band have found that many of the city of rock and roll’s buildings have been “dangerously neglected, and could collapse at any moment.” Authorities have recommended that the city be immediately evacuated with the inhabitants relocated to on somewhere with more of a contemporary and popular theme such as R&B or Rap.
GORDON BROWN, David Cameron and Nick Clegg have all confirmed they will be willing to take part in a televised debate ahead of the next General Election. Although the exact format of the debate has yet to be finalised, it is thought that it will be hosted by Angus Deayton. If the debate is level at the end of the programme, executives are also planning a quickfire general knowledge round, followed by a missing word caption quiz as well as a ‘What Happened Next’ competition to decide the winner.
ANNOYING adverts on the television have increased by as much as 75% over the last two years, according to the simple facts of the matter, which are, let’s face it, as plain as the honking great nose on your face. Adverts with loud, repetitive, moronic jingles and with the kind of content that only an idiot would find appealing have sharply increased in this time, a fact that senior advertising executives attribute to “the astonishing amount of chavs and imbeciles in British society today.”
AN 83 YEAR-OLD pensioner has spoken publicly of his shock at the state of knife crime in Britain today. “Knife crime was much better when I was a lad,” said Eric Poole, from Preston. “I don’t know who these kids think they’re trying to kid, wandering around with their flash knives and what have you. In my day, all we had was a stanley knife to commit our knife crime, and we were lucky to have that. These youngsters don’t know they’re born.”