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Tories questioned about portrait in David Cameron’s attic

In Politics on October 5, 2009 at 11:28
The Conservative Party was today accused of covering up the discovery of a ‘grotesque’ portrait found in the attic of David Cameron’s London home, which apparently shows an ‘aged and withered’ Cameron ‘as if he had lived a long and sinful life of vice and debauchery.’ The bizarre picture, artist unknown, was allegedly found by a cleaner and reported to The News of the World.
The alleged portrait

The alleged portrait

The baby-faced Tory leader has denied that the portrait is in any way connected to him, saying it is possibly of an ancestor, albeit one that looks an awful lot like him. However, speculation about the portrait has been exacerbated by alleged sightings of Cameron living a double life in the back streets of London. Vice workers in Soho have reported that a shadowy figure named ‘Prince Charming’, whose modus operandi is to visit opium dens and seduce impressionable young actresses, bears a striking resemblance to Cameron.

The rumours surrounding the mysterious painting have been further fuelled by accusations from a leading academic that Cameron “cannot possibly have lived his life as a Tory and remained so annoyingly fresh faced.”

Anton Korvjak of the Department of Biomedical Sciences, Imperial College, London University, said: “Biomedical science has shown conclusively that the sins of the heart are played out on the face. Just look at Tony Blair. We all know that Tories have black, black hearts and as Cameron is head Tory, his heart must be blacker than most. I dread to think of the evil he has committed which now, it seems, is trapped in this portrait. I would estimate from this picture that Cameron has at best broken the hearts of a number of innocent village girls and at worst committed murder.”

However, senior Tory figures dismissed the rumours as “superstitious nonsense” saying that Cameron’s pert features were the result of “clean living, exercise and wholesome Conservative values.” Shadow Foreign Secretary William Hague, who earlier this year faced his own allegations of age-fixing after a number of calves were found ritually slaughtered in his basement, said: “David’s as cute as a shiny button because his heart is pure. New Tories are lovely and kind and woman-friendly and nice to gays and other freaks, I mean minorities. Look at New Labour. New? Gordon Brown looks like he’s been rode hard and put away wet.”

  1. This is quality from start to finish.

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