Two riders at this year’s Tour de France have been found with traces of orange squash in their system according to the AFLD, the French Anti-Doping Agency. Pierre Bordry, head of the AFLD, confirmed in a statement last night that the agency’s worst fears had been realised:
“Orange squash is one of the real evils of event-based cycling and sport in general – and it’s one we thought we had seen the last of, so to say this news is disappointing is quite an understatement.
“Oh sure, we know it looks harmless enough, but try telling that to literally millions of people who have had their careers, homes, families and even their entire lives destroyed by this sick, vicious drug.”
“Orange squash contains a frankly ridiculous amount of additives and artificial colourings,” said Dr. Mendez, “which artificially stimulates the athlete into a state of hyper-activity that would ordinarily be well beyond their power. For instance, on a single bottle of Robinson’s, Lance Armstrong would be able to win the Tour de France seven times over. Easily.”
Cordial manufacturers Robinson’s have, unsurprisingly, moved to dismiss Dr. Mendez’s claims, labelling his research as ‘unsubstantiated rumour-mongering’.
“This is unsubstantiated rumour-mongering,” said a Robinson’s spokesperson. “Our customers love our orange squash and it’s great for you. You only have to listen to our customers screaming their approval down the phone at us and you’ll see what we mean.”
For now, at least, relations between the AFLD, the Tour de France and Robinson’s are expected to be anything but cordial.