authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on October 11, 2009 at 16:12

CAMPAIGNERS in California say the state can ease its financial crisis by legalising marijuana and collecting tax on the sale of the substance.  Spokesperson for the group Corey Richards said: “Woah, like….cannabis dude.  Totally.  There was like, this….like….cannabis, dude?  Know what I mean?  Totally.  I mean, there was, like this…stuff…and then….woah…I like, totally forgot what I was going to say.  Does anyone have any Pringles?”

"Dude!"

"Dude!"

GORDON BROWN has dismissed fears relating to his vision in a press conference held in 10 Downing Street’s garden shed.  The Prime Minister was found the have two tears in his retina, following a ‘routine’ scan, but insisted in a statement, made as he stood next to his garden spade and pitch fork, that there was “nothing to worry about” and that his eyesight had “not deteriorated.”  Mr. Brown was later forced to repeat his statement after it was pointed out that none of the waiting media had actually heard it, as he had made a wrong turn on his way to the actual press conference, and had actually delivered his statement to some runner beans and a few potted geraniums.

LONDON retailers are stepping up their efforts to maximise their profits from the festive season by getting their Christmas stock into shops over a year early.  A Harrod’s spokesperson said: “We’ve all had a good think about this, and we reckon that by getting things in the shops for Christmas 2010, we are giving ourselves a much better chance.  I mean, if our customers only have a couple of months, then what use is that?  Surely somebody has been missing a trick here.  From now on we’re going to keep all our Christmas stuff in the shop windows all year round, and with any luck, the money will just keep on rolling in.”

SOON IT will become more cost efficient for you to power your home by running in a giant hamster wheel, or through using a microwave as you run on a giant Gladiators-style treadmill, say the energy regulator, Ofgem.  With energy bills set to rise by as much as 60% by the year 2016, other suggested methods include turning the handle on a portable battery very quickly as you watch the telly, jumping up and down on a battery-linked trampoline, and swimming 300 lengths in a swimming pool attached to an underwater turbine.

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