The debate over football television rights raged on today as almost 57% of England football fans registered their disgust at having to miss England’s World Cup Qualifying game in the Ukraine at the weekend, owing to the fact that it was only available to watch via an exclusive internet stream and they were too stupid to work out how to operate a computer.
Meanwhile, a further 38% of those surveyed said that they “weren’t in the least bit bothered” and that the match gave them the perfect excuse to spend a couple of hours in a darkened room hunched over a laptop away from the missus, with the remaining 5% too drunk to know what was happening, as the game was played on a Saturday night.
England supporters’ club spokesman representative Ian Chandler issued a brusque statement on behalf of football fans everywhere, declaring: “Enough is enough. We, the downtrodden fan have been mistreated by the television companies for too long with poor quality transmissions and empty promises. I personally picked up my laptop and bashed it against the table for fifteen minutes, and there was still no sign of the England match coming on. What are these people playing at?”
However, these sentiments were not echoed universally, as 47 year-old postman Chris Rogerson from Gateshead affirmed: “To be honest, I was just glad of the opportunity to have some spare time to myself. I told the missus that the England game was on the internet, and she didn’t think twice about it, as she’d seen it on the news.
“So I took the laptop into the front room, drew the curtains, and checked out some of the…well…’specialist’ websites that my mate Mike told me about a couple of months ago.” When pressed upon the nature of these ‘specialist’ sites, and whether or not any of them showed England’s 1-0 defeat to the Ukraine, Rogerson turned extremely coy. “Er, that’s not important,“ he said, “what is important is that I had a thoroughly good time.”
Suzannah Tinker, landlady of the King’s Arms pub in Swindon, meanwhile, was keen to point that most of her punters had been sitting in a drunken haze for much of the day and were completely unaware that any England match was taking place. “England match?” she said, indignantly. “What England match? Saturday’s drinking day. There’ll be no football in here.”