Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) character ‘Super’ Mario yesterday launched a scathing attack on his owner, Kevin Hendry, 14, from Blackpool, following the recent under employment of both himself and other characters from the popular game Super Mario Bros.
It is thought to be at least four months since Mario and his colleagues were last put to use by Hendry, in the capacity of running through the Mushroom Kingdom on a series of raised platforms, surviving Browser’s forces and rescuing Princess Toadstool.
“In the beginning it was great,” said Mario in a prepared statement yesterday. “Me and Kevin would flatten aGoombas all day long, and on weekends sometimes long into the night. But then something went wrong -I don’t know what…was it the infuriating electronic music or the irriatiting sound effects? Was it ME, Kevin? I can change.”
Speculation is rife that the principle reason for Hendry’s SNES inactivity is the recent purchase of a Playstation 3 on E-Bay, allowing him and his brother Toby a gaming experience that is much less “lame,” as the brothers put it.
“Mario was okay when I was a kid,” said Hendry last night, “but now I’ve got a Playstation 3 I don’t care about it. The games are awesome – it’s like I’m really killing people!”
“I’ll be able to get through this – I really will,” said Mario upon hearing the news, “but it’s Luigi I really worry about. I mean he’s only a Player 2 option anyway, so what chance does he have? I haven’t so much as heard from him in months, and I’m worried that he’s taken to drink. I just want to see my brother again….is that too much to ask?”
This is the latest in a series of outbursts from outmoded games sprites, first noticed after Sonic the Hedgehog complained that the Dawson family from Dorset had been neglecting him on the Sega Megadrive, ever since they had started to get into the Wii Fit.
“What chance does it give me,” said Sonic, “when I can’t even stretch my legs and run around, collecting gold rings for some ridiculous reason or another? Look, the Dawsons are actually playing a video game that involves them doing something other than staring mindlessly at a TV screen for hour upon hour, immersing themselves in a highly convoluted fantasy world – how does that help me? Nobody ever thinks of us games sprites. It’s so selfish.”