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Airports to introduce new bawdy x-ray machines to fight terror, titillate passengers

In News on October 14, 2009 at 08:28
New x-ray machine: not just an excellent way of perving, but a surprisingly effective way of finding concealed weapons, too

New x-ray machine: not just an excellent way of perving, but a surprisingly effective way of finding concealed weapons, too

Fears for passenger privacy are growing after the introduction of an x-ray machine which will not only examine each individual closely as they pass through it, but will also pinch their bottom, lovingly stroke them and emit a pronounced wolf-whistle as they collect their belongings.

The news follows the announcement that British airports will soon have x-ray machines capable of capturing a ‘naked’ image of individuals to ascertain whether or not they are carrying weapons or explosives, and is seen as a step too far by many.

“I think this is a step too far,” said 52 year-old civil servant Clive Tennant from Kent. “If I wanted people in uniform to see me in the buff and manhandle my posterior, I’d go to one of those specialist clubs in Soho. Not that I ever do, mind you. Is my name going to appear in this?”

The new device is scheduled for installation at all British airports early in 2010 and is primarily designed to help the security and titillation of passengers before they fly. Explains Heathrow Head of Security Jason Dawes, “Of course, our paramount concern is passenger safety, and this device will enable us to immediately root out anybody carrying weapons at a moment’s notice.

“However,” Dawes continued, “our x-ray staff also get very bored – it isn’t a very interesting job, so they need something to keep them entertained. Nudey pictures of all the passengers was just the ticket, but this was even better.”

The machine is said to work on the simple principle of running a simple, preliminary scan for weapons or explosives, before moving on to check for the prominence of any passenger rude bits, using a big metal hand to pinch them, before either wolf-whistling or shouting out: “WAH-HEY!” in a loud robotic voice.

Not all passengers have objected to the move, however, with Mavis Hornigold, 74 of Staffordshire declaring with a wink and a smile: “I don’t care what it takes, I’m moving to the other side of the country, or maybe even France, so that I have to fly over to see my family on a very regular basis.  It’s been a long, long time since anyone or anything pinched my bum and wolf-whistled at me.”

A spokesperson for Paris Hilton said that she “welcomed the move” and that she “expected her air miles to go through the roof.”

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