authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

Leona Lewis announces ‘buy one get one punch free’ offer at all book signings

In Music, News on October 17, 2009 at 08:22

Leona Lewis has announced a unique new ‘buy one, get one punch free’ system to promote the purchase of her new book, Dreams, at personal signings in selected branches of Waterstone’s. The surprise move comes days after the 24 year-old former X Factor winner was punched in the face at Waterstone’s in Piccadilly, London.

“You probably think that this is an unwise move,” said Lewis’s agent, Philip Allen yesterday, “but let’s look at the facts. Leona has been desperately trying to get publicity for this book for weeks now – has anyone cared? No, they have not.

Leona Lewis unwinds after another hard day signing books

Leona Lewis unwinds after another hard day signing books

“It seems that the only way to flog a few copies of a book in this country is for some nutter to punch the author in the face. As I keep telling Leona, if that’s what it takes to get her book to the top of the bestselling charts for Christmas, then that’s what we’ll keep on doing.”

To prepare for the arduous physical rigours of the rest of her book-signing tour, Lewis has been in special training at ‘Big Mickey’s Gymnasium and Boxing Academy,’ in Walthamstow.

“At first I was a bit apprehensive about the idea, to be honest,” said Lewis in between sparring sessions at the gym, “but then my agent assured me that it made shrewd financial sense. And besides, I’m getting good at taking the punches now with all this training. It would be nice if I could hit back once in a while, though.”

Waterstone’s will be putting up a special ring for the signing and giving everyone who purchases a copy 30 seconds to get in one clean punch to Leona Lewis’s face, as she tries a variety of defensive manoeuvres around the ring.

“Ideally, we’d have liked her strapped to a chair while people punched her,” said a clearly disappointed Waterstone’s spokesperson, “but we didn’t think Leona would last very long.  This seems like a fair compromise.”

Once news of the promotion spreads, it is thought that literally hundreds of thousands of people will queue up for the opportunity to buy Leona Lewis’s book, punch her in the face, then toss it into the bin.

Gary Lightbody, lead singer of Snow Patrol commented upon hearing the news: “She’s doing what? That woman absolutely murdered Run last year. That’s it – when is the next signing? I’m getting the rest of the band down there to…er…to buy her no doubt excellent book. Ahem.”

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: