The government has applied to the European Union for an extension to its existing land mass as it bids to find a solution to housing an escalating population. The extension, which is still at the design stage according to sources, will resemble either a giant shed or conservatory, capable of housing an additional 3 million people.
The news comes in the same as figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) have shown that the population of the UK is set to increase at its fastest rate in at least a century.
“In just 24 years the UK’s population will increase by 10 million and hit 70 million in 2029,” said an ONS spokesperson. “Luckily, 70% of that figure is made up of Polish builders and workmen, so as long as they get approval for this thing, it should be ready by this time next year.”
Home secretary Alan Johnson refused to comment on the plans for an extension but did concede that it was important to find a solution to Britain’s overcrowding problem. “It’s similar to the problem faced in our prisons, when you look at it; Britain is small, confined, unpleasant, nobody particularly wants to be here and we all have to put up with random acts of violence.
“A typical British street,” Johnson continued, “contains rows and rows of houses all filled to bursting with people, with their faces pressed up against the windows. There’s so much congestion on the streets outside, meanwhile, that there’s no point in anybody driving anymore, as all the roads are filled with people walking as the pavements aren’t big enough to handle the sheer numbers. If it continues at this rate, we’re going to have to allocate everyone a specific time of day they are allowed out to go and do things in order to ease the congestion.”
The extension is said to reach in between Blackpool and Northern Ireland and will be constructed at “minimum cost to the tax payer…with the exception of a massive 30% tax hike,” according to a government source. Although relocation to the artifical land mass, known as ‘New Warsaw’ will be voluntary, it is thought that cattle prods will be employed to make the prospect more appealing for families considering the move.
A European Union spokesperson spat out his coffee upon being told of the news.