authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on October 25, 2009 at 21:28

THE NUMBER of people calling you up or texting you to ask if you have remembered to put your clocks back has risen by a staggering 1,000,000,000,000% in the last 24 hours, according to leading experts in the field.  Dr. Malcolm Truman, who heads up a specialist division at the University of Swansea dedicated to researching the frequency of people texting you and asking if you have remembered to put your clocks back was at a loss to explain the phenomena.  “It’s like there’s been some kind of national event driving people to take this action,” he said.  “I just wish I knew what it was.”

Your clock: Have you changed it?  Well?  Have you?

Your clock: Have you changed it? Well? Have you?

IN A SURPRISE move, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed how much he and his Cabinet have been enjoying the global recession to date, and has pledged to keep Britain plunged in a state of financial crisis for “at least another six months, hopefully more.”  Speaking on a podcast released on the number 10 website and YouTube, the Prime Minister said: “The thing is, I know lots of people have had it tough, but the truth of the matter is that in the cabinet we’ve never had it better.  It’s caviar for breakfast, lunch and dinner, while we all wash our selves in champagne.  Here’s to another decade of financial ruin.”

POLICE HAVE issued a warning to the general public that they should not answer the door this week unless it is an emergency after an anonymous tip-off gave them a lead into groups of heavily disguised gangs that are roaming the country.  “Apparently the gangs are planning to knock door-to-door this week dressed in what can only be described as ‘scary’ outfits,” said a police spokesperson.  “Be warned, however, although they may look like children, and say they only want sweets, they have the capacity to get extremely violent.  We would recommend employing extreme force if any of these gangs turn up on your doorstep.”

THAT OLD WOMAN who lives at no. 38 has probably died according to a number of neighbourhood sources.  Patrick Evans, from no. 12 said: “What do you mean?  Of course she’s croaked it.  There have been milk bottles and newspapers piled up outside her house all week.  What are you, blind?”  Suzanne and David Whitmore at no. 33, meanwhile, pointed to the fact that a big van came earlier in the day, with people going in and out of the house as further evidence of the old lady’s demise.  “Plus, there’s been a really peculiar smell coming out of there for a while now…you know what I mean?”

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