Head of renowned Chicago mafia family Vincenzo Corliane, has expressed his “deep and sincere regret” at the apparent lack of interest in his family’s campaign to recruit a new member to their mob via social networking platform Twitter. The Corlianes grew in infamy by striking terror into the hearts of Chicago’s citizens for over three generations, but have had mixed fortunes in their attempts to use social media.
“We decided to sign up to Twitter and sent out a firm, fun but polite invitation to a number of people who we thought might be interested via a Direct Message,” said Vincenzo. “I wrote the note myself. It said: ‘Hey, I just added you to my Mafia family. You should accept my invitation!’ I then put in a little smiley face, and a link to our website. Nice and friendly – you know…nothing too threatening.
“But despite sending out a request to all of our followers to join our family, nobody’s got in touch at all,” Vincenzo continued, shaking his head. “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and we can’t understand why people are so reluctant to speak to us. Furthermore, we’ve also been told that we’re currently under investigation for using Twitter to spread internet viruses. What’s that about?”
The Corliane brothers had been looking for a new member to the family for some time, as they had found no obvious heir to the Corliane legacy in the existing bloodline.
“We were about to give up the search,” Vincenzo explained, “and were in the middle of hacking off a ‘client’s’ arm with a rusty saw for unpaid debts. As luck would have it, he cried out that he could help us get in some fresh blood to the family by utilising something called ‘social media’.”
“Of course, we didn’t know what the hell he was talking about,” said Jimmy Corliane with a wry smile, “and I was up for gouging his eyes out with a blunt pencil. But Vincenco here – he knew different.”
The Corliane brothers, with the assistance of their patched up ‘client’ decided to reach out to the Twittersphere in their search for a new member of the family. However, the only replies they received were abusive ones, complaining at being sent a message inviting them to download malware.
“We don’t know why people are being so hostile about this,” a disconsolate Vincenzo concluded. “All we want to do is recruit somebody for a blood-thirsty and ruthless campaign of intimidation. Is that too much to ask? Well, if it is, then we’ll come round and knee-cap everyone. Got it?”