authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on November 1, 2009 at 14:34

GHOSTS AND MONSTERS aren’t real, the nation’s children have been told in a savage and cruel blow, expected to inflict severe emotional trauma on the little tykes for years to come.  Having spent much of the week getting excited about the prospect of dressing up as a variety of spooks, goblins and scary demon creatures, and eagerly anticipating a day when supernatural beings would run riot, it last night became apparent that Britain’s children have been informed that paranormal activity is merely the subject of conjecture and fancy, and has no real basis in fact.  Molly Rearden, 7, from Chichester, said: “Mummy and Daddy have been telling me about ghosts all week – and now suddenly they land this on me…wtf?  I don’t know what to believe.  Next they’ll be telling me that there’s no such thing as Father Christmas.”


Ghosts: no such thing

USERS OF social networking website Twitter have confirmed that it is ‘much better’ without Lily Allen.  Allen, 24, has stopped using social media by way of a personal experiment, an was recently quoted as saying that she had found the experience to be “brilliant.”  However, as Twitter user Phil Mumford – whose username is @superphil9 – explained, Allen’s decision has been mutually beneficial to both her and Twitter users alike.  “I’m pleased Lily isn’t on Twitter at the moment,” Mumford said.  “It means we don’t have to put up with endless media coverage about her sending out flirtatious or scandalous tweets – I mean who really cares?  Can we get rid of Jonathan Ross next?”

EVERYONE will finally have to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t summer anymore, it was confirmed today.  The news comes as the majority of the country awoke this morning to torrential downpours, following a period of unseasonable warmth which many have attributed to an act of forgetfulness on behalf of God, the Almighty.  Speaking yesterday, God said: “Yep, I’ve got to hold my hands up on this one.  I’ve been under a lot of stress recently, and I took my eye off the ball – it won’t happen again.  I’ve changed the seasons from summer to autumn now, so expect it to rain almost constantly until January from now on, at which time it’ll just be constantly overcast and freezing…I promise.”

THE X FACTOR will continue its marathon, life-sapping run on the telly, long after we all fade to dust – or at least that’s how it seems – according to conversations overheard recently.  From what we gather, the current series will probably run sometime into the next Millenium, providing a much-need forum for some of the most serious discussion points in today’s society.  Yes, screw the Israeli-Palestine situation, let’s endlessly debate what Cheryl Cole is wearing, or Simon Cowell’s trousers, because that’s probably what really matters.


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