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Government moves Christmas to next Wednesday to end the pain of it all

In Culture, News, Politics on November 4, 2009 at 09:23
Christmas

Christmas: next Wednesday

The government has announced that it is bringing Christmas forward to next week as a reactionary measure against television adverts, radio DJs and shopping centres who insist on trying to get everyone ‘into the Christmas spirit’ in early November. The new date for Christmas, announced this morning by Home Secretary Alan Johnson will be next Wednesday, 11th November.

“I hope this teaches these people a valuable lesson,” Johnson said. “If they really want Christmas in November, then let’s give it to them. We’ll have New Year the week after that (on the 18th November) and when the rest of the world is tucking into their Christmas lunch and ringing in the new year at the end of December – that’s almost two months away, by the way – we’ll all be at work. Sound good? Fine, let’s do it.”

The radical new government initiative is not thought to be one that will be popular with voters, although many are said to be sympathetic to the motives behind the move.

Joe Delaney, 24, from Barking said: “Christmas?!? In November?!? Are you having a laugh, mate? Mind you, if I hear ‘All I want for bleedin’ Christmas’ on the radio on more time this week I think I’ll scream. Aaaaaaargh!”

Meanwhile, Katie Stack, 28, from High Wycombe, offered: “My husband and I got so confused with all the Christmas ads on the telly that we immediately went out and bought an AK-47 assault rifle. We don’t even know why. That’s how confused we are with everything that’s been happening.”

Sofa chain DFS, who kicked off the ridiculous speight of Christmas television advertising with a run of festive based ads in October, have reacted angrily to the government’s plans, stating: “Do they honestly think this is going to make any difference at all?  They can move Christmas to the middle of July if they like, and we’ll still churn out ads like they are going out of fashion.  Nothing can stop our relentless campaign to hawk ridiculously expensive sofas as though they are somehow a bit of a bargain in an offensively chipper and up-beat way!  Nothing!”

The government has refused to comment on media speculation that it is considering cancelling St. Valentine’s Day, postponing Easter and ‘having a long hard think’ about Father’s Day in 2010 owing to rampant commercialism.  “Why can’t everybody just calm down?” Johnson concluded. “Together we’ll get through next Wednesday, Christmas will be over, and we can all get back to being miserable together as usual.”

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