Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has announced shock plans to rebrand the club which will see the Magpies changing their name and going completely online. The news comes in the same week as St. James’ Park was renamed ‘sportsdirect@St James’ Park’ and Ashley is in no doubt that the stadium name fits in with his long term vision for the club.
“The way I see it,” Ashley said last night from a secure London hideout, as thousands of Newcastle fans searched for him armed with blunt, pointy sticks, “is that the future of sport is online, so by making Newcastle the world’s first entirely online football club, we are really ahead of the curve.
“I mean, let’s face it, football fans are only interested in one thing – gambling, so what better place is there to come and watch some online football, make a bit of money, and eat some high quality fast food, all while wearing a cheap knock-off replica shirt, that we will sell them for a massive profit? These people really are mugs.”
To facilitate the change, the sportsdirect@St James’ Park stadium will be knocked down at the start of next season and replaced by a gigantic multiplex where fans can follow their team’s fortunes on arcade-style computer monitors. “At least this way we stand a chance of winning something,” explained Ashley, “even if it is only an award from a technology trade magazine.”
As part of the rebranding exercise, Newcastle United confirmed that the club will be renamed – although manager Chris Hughton was quick to add that no final decision had been made as yet, he was able to reveal a shortlist of contenders.
“So far we’ve narrowed it down to about three names,” Hughton said. “They are: http://www.GeordiePoker.com United, Newcastle HawaytheFreeOnlineBlackjack.org FC and http://www.FreeOnlinePartyWomenWithPokerandGoalsandStuff.co.uk Rovers – I particularly like the last one – it’s really catchy.”
Asked if this was simply a way to cut wages by asset-stripping Newcastle United and essentially turning it into a gigantic online advertising and gambling behemoth in order to make a return on his investment Mike Ashley was coy. “Would that make me a bad person?”