Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to travel to Afghanistan himself and take on the Taliban single-handedly if that’s what it takes to win the long-running war in the troubled region. The announcement comes in the same week that six British soldiers have died in the conflict, prompting mounting speculation that the British public’s support in the war is waning.
“I know that there are many who have doubts about whether or not this war is winnable,” said the Prime Minister, in a speech outside 10 Downing Street, dressed in combat fatigues, a red sweat band, and with a chain of bullets strung menacingly around his chest, “but I’m here to tell you that I will not rest until I’ve proven that there’s a direct link between the containment of the Taliban in Afghanistan and the threat of terrorist atrocities in Britain. This time, it’s personal, Osama. You hear me? I’m coming for you, you evil son of a bitch.”
Mr. Brown went on to outline in some detail his plans for taking on the Taliban: “Well, first of all, I’ll fly in under cover of darkness, and use my ninja skills to sneak up on them. Then, when they least expect it…KAPOW! WHACK! Then, I’ll probably do some super-awesome flying kicks, throw some ninja stars at the head Taliban guy, and force him to tell me where Bin-Laden is hiding,” the Prime Minister continued, “and he’ll be all like: ‘Oh, no, you’ll never make me tell you’….but you know what? I’ll make him talk, using my ninja skills, and it’ll be way cool.”
Mr. Brown’s reassurances are thought to resonate extremely well with British voters, many of whom expressed their satisfaction, and in extreme cases, love and admiration for the British premier after his remarks. Tamsyn Sutton, 19, from Middlesex, said: “I love Gordy….he’s so sexy. The way he spoke about ‘shooting up all of the Taliban’, and then waved his big gun around the House of Commons today was amazing. He’s got my vote.”
Opposition leader David Cameron was more sceptical, however: “I think it’s obvious that the Prime Minister is doing nothing more than trying to curry favour with voters by making everyone think he’s really hard. Well he isn’t. I could have him any day, and if Mr. Brown says otherwise, then I dare him to fight me outside Westminster tomorrow lunchtime. I’ll deck him.”