authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on November 8, 2009 at 19:54

LOUD EXPLODING noises, bright flashing lights and the proliference of large fires in public places this weekend are not a signifier of a Third World War or the end of the world, despite the fierce insistence of that batty old woman who lives by herself at no.17.  Instead, it is part of a traditional festival known as ‘Guy Fawkes Day’ or ‘Bonfire Night’ and if you had paused long enough to watch the old hag shouting at the traffic every day, you would know why you shouldn’t ever listen to a word she says.  Take more care in future.



Fireworks: not harbingers of the apocalypse

US TREASURY secretary Timothy Geither has rejected Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s plans for a ‘tax tax’, calling them “a bit stupid.” Speaking to the media at the G20 summit at St Andrews last night, Geither announced that he was “not prepared” to support a global tax which collected taxes on taxation as it was “a bit pointless really” and questioned whether or not the Prime Minister was “a simpering idiot.”

ROYAL MAIL workers the length and breadth of the country held their heads in their hands at this week’s news that the Christmas postal strike has been called off. “Now we’ve got no genuine excuse for letters and parcels not arriving in time over the festive period,” said John Hubert, 46, a postal worker from St. Albans. “Unless somebody gets very creative very quickly, there’s a very real danger I might have to do some work soon…and I’m afraid I’m just not prepared to allow that to happen.”

IS IT ME or is getting colder? It’s getting colder, isn’t it? I mean, not really, chill-the-bone insufferable, can’t move your hands or feet cold, know what I mean? Definitely colder. YES I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BECAUSE IT IS COLDER FOR A VERY GOOD REASON. IT IS NOVEMBER – LIVE WITH IT. NOVEMBER ISN’T IN THE MIDDLE OF SUMMER – IF YOU WANT THAT, THEN MOVE TO AUSTRALIA – BUT WE’RE HERE AND WE’RE STUCK WITH IT, SO LET’S ALL MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES BEFORE WE START CLAWING EACH OTHER’S EYES OUT.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: