New research strongly implying that Britain is made up of nothing more than a bunch of work-shy, lazy, skiving freeloaders always on the lookout for an opportunity to bunk off has left Britain on the verge of an all-out national strike. According to the thinly-veiled attack on Britain’s workforce taken out by some consultancy firm or another, most sick leave is taken on Mondays and in January, with the period of absence ‘generally small’.
The British Trade Union of Workers have reacted angrily to the study, which not only suggested that Monday sickness and frequent short-term absences can be a symptom of what it called ‘low employee engagement and morale’ within organisations, but also that ‘female workers take 24% more days off than male workers, and are more than twice as likely to take time off for stress-related illness, exhaustion and depression.’
“We know what they’re getting at here, alright,” said Colin Henderson, Chairman of the BTUW, “and we think it is absolutely disgraceful. I mean, who do these people think they are? To suggest that anybody in this country is anything less than 100% honest about the state of their health on a Monday morning or during the winter months is to question the honesty of every Englishman earning a wage. And that’s why we’ve called this national strike, which we expect every single person with a job in this country to stick to by staying in bed and phoning in sick.”
When pressed on the specific timscale for the strike, Henderson was less than clear: “It’ll start on the first Monday in January, and go on until the weather gets a bit nicer, or, to be honest, until we feel like it – whichever happens soonest.”
Dr. Marcus Cavendish is one physician, however, who agrees with the findings. “Don’t you think it is a coincidence that most of the cases of people being unwell on a Monday morning cite symptoms of tummy upsets, mild sniffles and so-called ’24-hour bugs?” he said. “The facts speak for themselves. These people are skiving. Yes, that is a medical term, and you can quote me on that.”
The consultancy firm responsible for commissioning the study has refused to take the blame for the imminent strike action, with a telephone message from their offices on Monday morning declaring: “None of our employees are available at the moment, as everybody is off sick. Please call back on Tuesday. Thank you.”