Officials in the Spanish region of Extremadura have reacted angrily after a sex education programme aimed at teaching teenagers the value of ononism ended with everyone in the region branded as “a bunch of w*****s”.
The programme, which bears the slogan ‘Pleasure in your own hands’ seeks to challenge traditional Roman Catholic views on sex, even with one’s self and for non-reproductive reasons, by offering literature which displays a number of ‘self pleasuring techniques’.
“This is SO embarassing,” said Jose Maria Exteberria, 17, one of the first recipients of the material. “My cousin Manuel lives in the neighbouring Andalucian region, and he phones me up three times a day now, laughing his head off, calls me a ‘tosser’ and then hangs up. I mean, what am I supposed to do about it?”
As part of the kit to promote ononism, teenagers like Jose will receive a pamphlet demonstrating how they can get the best results out of their you-know-what, without getting all, well, you know. The pack also includes a starter pack of jazz magazines, a fun badge and hat set for the recipient to wear about town stating: ‘I like bashing the bishop! Do you?’ and a multi-pack of Kleenex.
Hernandez Carron of the right wing People’s party believes that the regions reputation has suffered as a result of the initiative: “We have become the laughing stock of Spain,” he said in a statement last night. “Do you honestly think teenagers need advice and encouragement to engage in even more ononistic activity?I’ve got a 15 year old son and I practically have to handcuff his hands behind his back each night to stop him.”
Extremadura is the poorest region of Spain, with the highest rate of unemployment and many are asking why the government is wasting precious resources on funding a campaign to promote ononism.
“Well, to be honest,” said Laura Garrido, President of the Youth Council of Extremadura, “this is part of a long term strategy we have of promoting real-life scenarios to our kids. Sure, we could have promoted safe sex, but as most of the tenagers here are ugly and won’t get a job, they are unlikely to go within 200 yards of a real girl, so we thought why not teach them something they can actually use instead?”