authoritative, wise, and highly influential pronouncements

News Round-up

In News on November 15, 2009 at 16:51

ONE DAY, everybody will die, scientists have confirmed. The announcement was made at the United Nations headquarters in New York at a sombre press conference by Dr. Julia Manchas. “I’m afraid that the death epidemic is far worse than we first thought,” she said. “We’re not saying everyone will die at the same time, but we do know it will happen to everyone at some stage or another. We have teams working on a cure even as we speak but right now all we can say for sure is that it looks like this is something that we will all eventually succumb to. May God have mercy on our souls.”


Death: coming soon

DOCTORS in the United States have announced that they are baffled by the case of a 12 year-old girl who cannot stop sneezing. Lauren Johnson, from Virginia has been sneezing continuously at a rate of ten times per minute for nearly two weeks, and has had to take an extended leave of absence from school as a result. “Achoo! Kill me. Achoo! Kill me. Achoo! Kill me.” said Lauren in a statement earlier.

A PENSIONER from Dorset was last night pulled from the blazing remains of his house by firefighters after setting his mobile phone on to defrost in the microwave. John Swanson, 74, was said to have been watching The X-Factor when he got up to use the microwave. “We’ve got conflicting reports on exactly what happened,” said a police spokesperson, “some say that Mr. Swanson got confused whilst trying to send in a text vote for the show, while others insist that he knew exactly what he was doing and decided to end it all after enduring the mind-numbing banality of that God-awful excuse for a programme.”

A PREGNANT shark has given birth through a bite wound, it says here. A bite wound?!? That’s mental! Wait, hang on, is this a wind up? I mean, I’m pretty gullible. I remember one time at school some kids told me that a catfish was half cat, half fish and I believed them. Better check this out….well, it’s on the ITN website, and I don’t see why they would be trying to wind me up. Wow! A bite wound!!


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