A Japanese aquarium has decided, for reasons best known to itself, to hold an underwater Christmas party smack bang in the middle of November. The Yokohama Kakkeijima Sea Paradise, on the outskirts of Tokyo, decided to ruin everyone’s fun by refusing to do the sensible thing and wait just a few more weeks until everybody was well and truly into the festive spirit, sending an employee dressed rather implausibly as Santa Claus into a tank to feed a Beluga whale sardines while a selection of garish Christmas songs blared out in the background.
Hank Douglas, his wife Wilma and their children Petey and Glenda, tourits visiting from Ohio, were amongst those to witness the atrocity, which took place at around 12pm local time.
“Well, we’d just been having a swell time up until that point in our trip,” said Hank, “and thought that the Sea Paradise would be a mighty fine place to see the whales and the dolphins and the otters and what-not that they have native to this here Japanese region. All of a sudden, before we knew it, there’s a crazy man in a Santa suit being lowered into a tank to the strains of Noddy Holder yelling ‘Iiiiiiiit’s Chriiiiiiiiiiiisttmmmaaaaaaas!!!!’ With a whale! We didn’t know what to think.”
Hank’s wife Betty agreed, confirming that the family were left momentarily stunned and disorientated. “We literally didn’t know what was happening. We were left looking at each other. Was it Christmas here in Japan? Had we slipped into a state of unconsciousness for a month and missed the flight home? Were we all supposed to jump into the tank too? It was just so upsetting.”
The Douglas’s children, meanwhile, were far too traumatised to give an interview, and simply kept repeating through their tears: “Make the music stop…there’s no place for Santa suits in November.”
Dr. Donald Price, Professor of Psychology at the University of Manchester was keen to stress that this sort of behaviour is typical of Japan and everyone who lives there. “Oh, sure,” he said, “those Japanese are all mad bastards. They’ll do anything to try and get a bit of attention. Naked polo, strapping lit fireworks to their genitals…you name it really. Completely f*****g batsh*t, the lot of them.”
It has subsequently been confirmed that at the end of the show, even more sardines were released from the bottom of the tank and swam upwards in a cone formation to form a Christmas tree shape.
“Sick,” said Dr. Price. “Sick and so very wrong.”