Supermarket giant Tesco has unveiled plans to begin selling the Moon on a stick in selected stores in the run-up to Christmas, as part of its ongoing drive to obliterate all element of consumer choice by the year 2013.
The news comes in the same week that Tesco announced that it expects to have iPhones available for purchase at reasonable rates over the next month or so and comes as a blow to other leading supermarket chains, all of whom were banking on bumper Christmas results to increase profits.
Asked why Tesco decided that stocking the Moon on a stick in the run up to the festive season was a good idea, Marketing Manager Keith Harold said: “We take great pride in listening to what our customers want. So when one of our customers filled out one the questions on our feedback forms, asking him if there was anything he would like to see in our stores and said: ‘The Moon on a stick’ we knew what we had to do.”
What followed was a mission into outer space, costing many hundreds of billion pounds, which saw Tesco construct a giant towing device, whereupon the Moon was dragged back to Earth to be sold in bite-sized chunks on a stick to consumers.
“The Moon is actually being held in a warehouse in Wapping at the moment.” Harold confirmed, “I mean, sure, people will grumble about the tides being disrupted, the lack of moonlight and that sort of thing – but we’re sure that once our customers have experienced the great value of our Tesco Moon on a stick range, they’ll put all of that behind them. Think of it! The actual moon! On a stick!”
The Tesco Moon on a stick range is expected to be available in selected Tesco stores from December 7th and will see chunks of the Moon available for purchase on a variety of coloured sticks, in a number of shapes and sizes.
“Customers can pick their favourite stick from a number on offer,” Harold said. “We have big, little, fat, thin, pointy, not pointy – something to cater for all tastes. Unfortunately, our moon chunks only come in a sort of metallic grey colour and we can’t really change that.”
In terms of future projects, Harold would not be drawn but did confirm that they would continue to monitor customer feedback. “I had one guy last week saying he wanted a time machine,” he sighed. “What do these people want? The Moon on a…oh, wait.”